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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Chicken Killed

WAYCROSS, GA–In a grisly murder that has stunned residents of this peaceful southeastern Georgia town, the gutted remains of a local chicken were discovered in a dumpster Monday.

A 1997 photo of the slain chicken.

The chicken, whose skin and flesh were almost 90 percent missing, was found in a garbage bag behind Jack's Cluck Shack by a pair of Waycross police officers responding to a routine lunch-pick-up call.

"It was gruesome," said Det. Sam Welty, one of the officers who made the find. "When I first looked at the victim, I could barely tell what it was. The bones were all broken, the head was missing, and one of the thigh bones bore what appeared to be human teeth marks."

The name of the victim, a longtime employee of Tyson Poultry Farms, is being withheld.

According to Sgt. Bruce Stebbins of the Waycross Police Department, the brutal slaying will not be easy to solve. "Because the victim's beak is missing, dental records will be useless," he said. "And, thus far, we have found no signs of struggle, such as scattered feathers or claw marks. Whoever perpetrated this brutal crime clearly knew what he was doing."

Though the entire area around Jack's Cluck Shack has been sealed off, police officials are increasingly doubtful that it was the site of the murder. Investigators suspect that the crime occurred at Tyson Poultry Farms, where blood tentatively matching that of the victim was discovered late last night.

Suspicions were further aroused by the recent disappearance of most of the chicken's co-workers. "When we went to the victim's place of employment to ask questions, thousands of chickens who had worked alongside the slain bird were no longer there," Det. Patrick Duvalier said. "It would appear that somebody is on the run."

"The victim was likely killed at work, perhaps by a jealous co-worker, and then fried, torn apart, and dumped in a trash receptacle," Duvalier said. "This is the work of a twisted, depraved sociopath."

Though everyone in Waycross has been stunned by the slaying, the town's poultry community is particularly devastated.

The grisly aftermath of a 1985 mass poultry murder in Laredo, TX. The killer was never found.

"All of the chickens are absolutely terrified," farm owner Hup Wheeler said. "They trust no one, viewing every farmhand who comes in to collect eggs or scatter feed as a potential threat. Even the sight of farmhands they've known for years causes the chickens to flap wildly and squawk in terror, fearing for their very lives."

Members of the victim's immediate family declined comment, apparently too distraught to talk to the media.

According to profilers from the FBI's Serial Crimes Investigation unit, understanding the killer is the first step toward capturing him or her.

"There is no such thing as a typical chicken killer, so we have to look at the evidence," FBI agent James Oberkfell said. "Since the body does not seem to have been sexually abused in any way, we're most likely dealing with a someone who lusts only for blood. But whatever the motivation, judging from the efficient, methodical manner in which the body was dismembered, we can assume that our killer is experienced and smart. He's done it before. And we believe he's working himself up to do it again."

Oberkfell noted that because so much of the flesh is missing, cannibalism is not out of the question. "Though admittedly a long shot," he said, "it is possible that we're dealing with a bizarre new aberration–a warped, vicious killer with an insatiable hunger for chicken flesh."

Lending credence to Oberkfell's theory is a preliminary forensic lab report, which shows that, after being killed, the victim was seasoned with a special blend of 11 herbs and spices and then hand-dipped in extra-crispy batter.

FBI authorities said there appears to be no connection between this killing and 1983's infamous "Alabama Slasher" murders, in which dozens of chicken legs, covered in what lab tests identified as cole slaw, were discovered in a plastic garbage bag behind a Montgomery KFC.

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