Chicken Killed

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Vol 34 Issue 11

Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

With fall coming, that can only mean two things: time to put up the Halloween decorations, and football weekends. And guess which one hubby Rick loves and I hate! Rick sits in front of that TV for so long, cobwebs form around him! Meanwhile, who gets to do the grocery shopping, the cleaning, and the laundry? You guessed it–old Jean the football widow herself!

Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man

MOORHEAD, MN–Moorhead resident Carl Perry damn near shit himself Monday, when a big-ass animal jumped right the fuck out in front of his Chevy pick-up. According to reports, the 41-year-old Perry was driving on Highway C to Ed's Tavern when the huge fucking thing jumped right the fuck out in front of him from out of nowhere. Though the animal, described by witnesses as a big-old son of a bitch with these weird-looking horns, jumped clear of the vehicle before collision, the fuck was scared out of Perry.

Night Watchman Keeps Leno Under Close Surveillance

DUNCANVILLE, TX–Ray Shymanski, a night watchman at a Duncanville auto-parts warehouse, has been keeping an extra-close eye out for Tonight Show host Jay Leno, it was learned Tuesday. For nearly two months, Shymanski has not let Leno out of his sight, following him closely on a five-inch portable monitor he brings to work each night. "What Mr. Leno says, I will hear. What he does, I will see," the determined Shymanski said. "Leno will not leave my sight at any time, even if I have to wait for commercial breaks to go to the bathroom." Shymanski, also known for his close observation of Conan O'Brien and Tom Snyder, said that Leno will continue to be singled out. "Leno had better not try anything funny," he warned ominously.

Suburbanite Saved From Certain Poisoning By Brita Filter

SYOSSET, NY–Long Island homemaker Judith Weiss narrowly escaped poisoning Tuesday when her tap water was purified by her Brita Water Filtration System. "If not for this Brita filter, I would have died," a shaken Weiss said after drinking a glass of filtered water. "My water was filled with lead, copper, and other dangerous impurities, but this filter intercepted them just in time." In addition to saving the lives of Weiss and her family, the heroic filter also improved the water's taste and odor through its patented chlorine-removal system.

Custody Battle Sparks Couple's First-Ever Interest In Child

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Area 8-year-old Danny Rasmussen is enjoying the attention of his parents for the first time ever, thanks to a bitter custody battle, it was reported Monday. "I sure as hell ain't letting Denice get the kid," father Larry Rasmussen said. "She got the house and the car, so I've got to keep something from that bitch." Denice Rasmussen expressed a similar determination. "I'll do whatever it takes to deny Larry custody," she said. "I'll even take that kid out and buy him whatever he wants." Danny, unaccustomed to being prioritized by his parents, is rejoicing over his newfound importance in their lives. "This means that they love me," he said.

Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way

LOUISVILLE, KY–With great fanfare Monday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walter Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten here at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.

The Budget Surplus

The 1998 fiscal year ended with a federal budget surplus of $70 billion, the first surplus in three decades. What do you think?
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Chicken Killed

WAYCROSS, GA–In a grisly murder that has stunned residents of this peaceful southeastern Georgia town, the gutted remains of a local chicken were discovered in a dumpster Monday.

A 1997 photo of the slain chicken.

The chicken, whose skin and flesh were almost 90 percent missing, was found in a garbage bag behind Jack's Cluck Shack by a pair of Waycross police officers responding to a routine lunch-pick-up call.

"It was gruesome," said Det. Sam Welty, one of the officers who made the find. "When I first looked at the victim, I could barely tell what it was. The bones were all broken, the head was missing, and one of the thigh bones bore what appeared to be human teeth marks."

The name of the victim, a longtime employee of Tyson Poultry Farms, is being withheld.

According to Sgt. Bruce Stebbins of the Waycross Police Department, the brutal slaying will not be easy to solve. "Because the victim's beak is missing, dental records will be useless," he said. "And, thus far, we have found no signs of struggle, such as scattered feathers or claw marks. Whoever perpetrated this brutal crime clearly knew what he was doing."

Though the entire area around Jack's Cluck Shack has been sealed off, police officials are increasingly doubtful that it was the site of the murder. Investigators suspect that the crime occurred at Tyson Poultry Farms, where blood tentatively matching that of the victim was discovered late last night.

Suspicions were further aroused by the recent disappearance of most of the chicken's co-workers. "When we went to the victim's place of employment to ask questions, thousands of chickens who had worked alongside the slain bird were no longer there," Det. Patrick Duvalier said. "It would appear that somebody is on the run."

"The victim was likely killed at work, perhaps by a jealous co-worker, and then fried, torn apart, and dumped in a trash receptacle," Duvalier said. "This is the work of a twisted, depraved sociopath."

Though everyone in Waycross has been stunned by the slaying, the town's poultry community is particularly devastated.

The grisly aftermath of a 1985 mass poultry murder in Laredo, TX. The killer was never found.

"All of the chickens are absolutely terrified," farm owner Hup Wheeler said. "They trust no one, viewing every farmhand who comes in to collect eggs or scatter feed as a potential threat. Even the sight of farmhands they've known for years causes the chickens to flap wildly and squawk in terror, fearing for their very lives."

Members of the victim's immediate family declined comment, apparently too distraught to talk to the media.

According to profilers from the FBI's Serial Crimes Investigation unit, understanding the killer is the first step toward capturing him or her.

"There is no such thing as a typical chicken killer, so we have to look at the evidence," FBI agent James Oberkfell said. "Since the body does not seem to have been sexually abused in any way, we're most likely dealing with a someone who lusts only for blood. But whatever the motivation, judging from the efficient, methodical manner in which the body was dismembered, we can assume that our killer is experienced and smart. He's done it before. And we believe he's working himself up to do it again."

Oberkfell noted that because so much of the flesh is missing, cannibalism is not out of the question. "Though admittedly a long shot," he said, "it is possible that we're dealing with a bizarre new aberration–a warped, vicious killer with an insatiable hunger for chicken flesh."

Lending credence to Oberkfell's theory is a preliminary forensic lab report, which shows that, after being killed, the victim was seasoned with a special blend of 11 herbs and spices and then hand-dipped in extra-crispy batter.

FBI authorities said there appears to be no connection between this killing and 1983's infamous "Alabama Slasher" murders, in which dozens of chicken legs, covered in what lab tests identified as cole slaw, were discovered in a plastic garbage bag behind a Montgomery KFC.

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