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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Chiefs Realize Brady Quinn Received 'Frog And Toad Are Friends' Instead Of Playbook

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dismayed Kansas City Chiefs personnel told reporters Monday that backup quarterback Brady Quinn had mistakenly received a copy of Arnold Lobel's children's picture book Frog And Toad Are Friends instead of the team's 54-page playbook. "Brady kept talking about how he spent hours each night poring over the book and memorizing the diagrams in it," Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel said of the Caldecott Honor book, which is designated level two in the "I Can Read" series and is intended for "readers who are increasingly confident, but still need some help." "It wasn't until he started telling little stories in the huddle about coat buttons and ponds that we realized something was up. He does seem to have learned some important lessons about friendship from the book. He's more communicative on the field, and he's sharing the ball better, but he's much further away from being game-ready than we thought." At press time, Quinn was preparing for Sunday's season opener against the Atlanta Falcons by carefully studying footage from the second season of Yo Gabba Gabba!.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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