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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Chiefs Realize Brady Quinn Received 'Frog And Toad Are Friends' Instead Of Playbook

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dismayed Kansas City Chiefs personnel told reporters Monday that backup quarterback Brady Quinn had mistakenly received a copy of Arnold Lobel's children's picture book Frog And Toad Are Friends instead of the team's 54-page playbook. "Brady kept talking about how he spent hours each night poring over the book and memorizing the diagrams in it," Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel said of the Caldecott Honor book, which is designated level two in the "I Can Read" series and is intended for "readers who are increasingly confident, but still need some help." "It wasn't until he started telling little stories in the huddle about coat buttons and ponds that we realized something was up. He does seem to have learned some important lessons about friendship from the book. He's more communicative on the field, and he's sharing the ball better, but he's much further away from being game-ready than we thought." At press time, Quinn was preparing for Sunday's season opener against the Atlanta Falcons by carefully studying footage from the second season of Yo Gabba Gabba!.

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