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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Chiefs Scold Fans For Cheering Brady Quinn

KANSAS CITY—Several Chiefs players spoke out Monday about the cheering that occurred in Arrowhead Stadium when quarterback Brady Quinn replaced the injured Matt Cassel, expressing their utter disbelief that Kansas City fans would openly applaud the former Notre Dame signal caller. “That’s just sick, you know? People don’t do fucked up stuff like cheering for Brady Quinn,” said Chiefs tackle Eric Winston, adding that human beings simply don’t roar with approval when a terrible player like Brady Quinn enters the game. “You cheer for a touchdown, a field goal, or even when a player you don’t like gets hurt, but you don’t cheer Brady Quinn. It’s basic human decency.” Winston also told reporters he was extremely embarrassed to be playing for a team with despicable fans that would give Brady Quinn a raucous ovation.

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