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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time. “Sweetie, don’t worry, you’re not going to die until years and years from now,” said Eli’s mother Denise Heffernan, 40, who sources confirmed further terrified her son by informing him that death is completely natural and eventually happens to everyone. “Someday we’ll die, but that’s just a part of life. And even Grandma won’t die until you’re much older, okay? Now, get some sleep and try not to think about it.” At press time, reports indicated Eli was lying wide-awake in the darkness of his room calculating exactly how old he would be when he died.

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