adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
End Of Section
  • More News

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time. “Sweetie, don’t worry, you’re not going to die until years and years from now,” said Eli’s mother Denise Heffernan, 40, who sources confirmed further terrified her son by informing him that death is completely natural and eventually happens to everyone. “Someday we’ll die, but that’s just a part of life. And even Grandma won’t die until you’re much older, okay? Now, get some sleep and try not to think about it.” At press time, reports indicated Eli was lying wide-awake in the darkness of his room calculating exactly how old he would be when he died.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close