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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time. “Sweetie, don’t worry, you’re not going to die until years and years from now,” said Eli’s mother Denise Heffernan, 40, who sources confirmed further terrified her son by informing him that death is completely natural and eventually happens to everyone. “Someday we’ll die, but that’s just a part of life. And even Grandma won’t die until you’re much older, okay? Now, get some sleep and try not to think about it.” At press time, reports indicated Eli was lying wide-awake in the darkness of his room calculating exactly how old he would be when he died.

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