After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Child Assured Most Monsters Do Not Exist

MOSCOW, ID—Four-year-old Roy MacMillan, a frequent observer of monsters in his closet, under his bed, and behind his drapes, was reassured by his parents that the vast majority of these creatures do not exist. "You're just being a silly boy—you've seen scary monsters a hundred times lately, and I'll bet you were imagining at least half of them," Roy's mother, Tracy, told her son after he rushed into their room late Monday night. "There's only room in your closet for three or four monsters, honey. Or two very, very big ones with sharp teeth and long claws." Steven MacMillan reiterated his wife's reassurances, explaining that he would certainly protect his son from all but the very biggest, strongest, meanest monsters, although those would probably be full after killing and eating Roy's mom and dad first and wouldn't come for Roy until a few months later when he's at the orphanage.

After Birth

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