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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Child Baffled By Stationary, Non-Violent Images

NEWTON, MA–Local first-grader Jamie Linnell is in stable condition following exposure to a static, non-confrontational image Tuesday. The image, a 1947 Life magazine photo of a woman tending to a rose garden, left Linnell in a state of panic and disorientation. "Jamie was turning the picture in all directions, desperately shaking it in an attempt to make it move," the boy's mother, Rita Linnell, told reporters. "He was frightened and trembling, and he kept asking me, 'Mommy, why isn't this exploding?' Then he collapsed to the floor." Linnell regained consciousness after receiving emergency doses of Tekken 3.

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