After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Child Blissfully Unaware Of Motel Swimming Pool's Sordid Past

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Jenny Hoyer, 7, spent all Sunday afternoon playing to the point of exhaustion in the swimming pool of the Highway 90 BestInn, cheerfully ignorant of the pool's ignominious history. "Aw, man! I swallowed some water!" said Hoyer, who would most likely have vomited had she known about the pool's 165 instances of fecal elimination, 34 instances of intercourse, or three instances of guests' bodies found drowned and decomposing. "Tastes awful, like bleach. And really salty," she added. Hoyer's parents were also blissfully unaware of their daughter's involvement with the storied pool, because they were otherwise occupied in the same bed in which the Sioux Falls Ripper bound, gagged, and butchered three Cub Scouts in 1998.

After Birth

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