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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Child Bored With Christmas Puppy

HAMILTON, OH—Household sources reported Monday that Joshua Hunt, 10, has lost interest in Raggles, the 4-month-old Cocker Spaniel he received on Christmas Day. "For the first month, he played with it every day," said Joshua's mother Kathie Hunt. "Now he plays Nintendo as soon as he gets home from school and tells Raggles to shut up when he barks." Joshua has asked his mother if he can exchange the puppy for Mario Kart 64.

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