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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Child Bored With Christmas Puppy

HAMILTON, OH—Household sources reported Monday that Joshua Hunt, 10, has lost interest in Raggles, the 4-month-old Cocker Spaniel he received on Christmas Day. "For the first month, he played with it every day," said Joshua's mother Kathie Hunt. "Now he plays Nintendo as soon as he gets home from school and tells Raggles to shut up when he barks." Joshua has asked his mother if he can exchange the puppy for Mario Kart 64.

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