Child Earns Clock Radio For 78 Hours Of Work

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After Birth

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WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

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Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

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WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

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WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

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Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

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DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.
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Child Earns Clock Radio For 78 Hours Of Work

OMAHA, NE—Peter Hewson learned an important lesson about the value of hard work Monday and received an exciting reward at the same time, when the local 11-year-old earned his very own G.E. AM/FM digital clock radio by selling Continental Publishers Incorporated greeting cards—a learning experience that totalled just 78 hours of work.

Peter Hewson. Inset: The clock radio he earned by selling hundreds of greeting cards.

"I saw this ad in the back of a comic book," Peter said. "You could win all these prizes by selling cards, and one of them was a clock radio."

"Peter had wanted a clock radio ever since he stayed at his grandma's, and there was one in the guest room," said Karen Hewson, the industrious youth's mother. "He really liked the idea of pop music waking him up. So when he saw a clock radio in the CPI catalogue, he was naturally very excited about the prospect of earning one of his very own."

"Sure, we could have just gone to Shopko and bought him a much better clock radio for about $10," Karen said. "But how would he learn anything about life that way?"

Upon seeing the sales opportunity, an excited Peter filled out the attached enrollment form and mailed it that day. Six weeks later, he received his membership packet, which featured a welcome letter from CPI president Harmon Andruss, sales instructions, a sample folder, and an informative and entertaining "Door-To-Door Danny Wins Great Prizes The Fun Way!" comic book.

Following the enclosed instructions, Peter toured his entire neighborhood, ringing doorbells and asking people if they wished to purchase greeting cards from CPI. For every order of $10 or more, Peter earned five "prize points" redeemable for exciting prizes from the CPI catalog. Every $20 order earned him 10 points.

"I needed 200 points to get the radio," Peter said. "That's 22 boxes, so I really had to sell a lot of cards."

Peter's long, hard road to the alarm clock was filled with obstacles. The first major setback occurred about two weeks into his door-to-door sales odyssey, when he had visited the last of the houses within walking distance and was still well short of the 200-point mark.

"For a while, I kinda thought about giving up," Peter said. "But I wanted that clock radio really bad, so I started taking the city bus to other neighborhoods. And when I ran out of allowance money for the bus, I got jobs washing people's cars to get more money."

According to Andrew Hewson, the boy's father, another difficult moment came about three weeks later.

"One day, Peter came home crying because some old man had yelled at him," Andrew said. "Apparently, the guy was real busy when Peter rang his bell and he just spouted off at him. Peter told me he was sick of selling cards and didn't want to do it anymore."

Continued Andrew: "I knew, though, that if I just let him give up, he'd never learn the importance of following through on things. So I gave him a long lecture about how hard life is and how people are going to yell at him every day when he has a real job. And I kept asking him if he wanted to go back and try for that radio, until he finally said yes."

"That's my boy," Andrew said. "After that, the only real resistance I got from Peter was when he saw a much better clock radio than CPI offered for 75 cents at a yard sale."

So determined was Peter to earn the clock radio, when he was just five prize points away, he used his leftover car-washing money to purchase $10 worth of cards himself, finally reaching the goal he had set some three months before. Just seven more weeks would pass before his prize arrived by mail.

Factoring in the time he spent studying the materials, soliciting homes, filling out paperwork and delivering ordered cards, Peter calculated that he had devoted 78 hours to the project.

"We are proud to have given young Peter a start on the road to adulthood and an exciting sales career," said CPI spokesman Sam Hurst. "It's hard-working young citizens like Peter that have made America the great country it is and have helped CPI become one of the nation's leading direct-sales corporations, boasting annual receipts of some $220 million last year."

Peter, for his part, is just happy to finally have his clock radio. "Only the AM comes in, so all I can really hear is talk and news stations," he said. "I guess it's okay, though."

But perhaps Peter's greatest reward is the pride he has given his parents, who know that their son can accomplish whatever he sets his mind to.

"Peter's an achiever, that's for sure," a beaming Andrew said. "In fact, we were thinking of getting him into selling Grit magazine: There's a Bontempi table-top organ he has his eye on."

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