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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Child Entertained For 5 Minutes By Plastic Toy That Will Take 1,000 Years To Biodegrade

GREELEY, CO—Playing with the brand-new toy he received Wednesday, local 4-year-old Alex Strickland was entertained for five minutes by a plastic truck that will not biodegrade for another 10 centuries, sources confirmed. “Vroooom!” Strickland said before growing bored and tossing aside the toy that contains 11 separate plastic parts, each of which will outlive everyone on earth by dozens of generations. “I want to play something else now. Where are my Transformers?” At press time, sources confirmed that Strickland was enjoying Kool-Aid from a styrofoam cup that will outlast the toy by another million years.

After Birth

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