adBlockCheck

Child In Corner To Exact Revenge As Soon As He Gets Out

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Child In Corner To Exact Revenge As Soon As He Gets Out

SEATTLE—Daniel Barriault is serving a time-out for a crime the 5-year-old claims he didn’t commit. Charged with possession of three Oreo cookies only a half-hour before supper and sentenced to a bare 8-by-12-inch bedroom corner for eight minutes, Barriault has had just one thing on his mind while waiting for his release. One thing and three people.

Barriault

"Just a little while longer now," said Barriault, who slowly counted down his corner term to 20 before becoming confused and having to start all over again. "I’ve learned my lesson, but what they don’t realize is that their lesson has not even yet begun."

After four failed getaway attempts into the basement, Barriault was apprehended early Monday evening by household penal authorities Mommy and Daddy, likely operating on an anonymous tip from the "queen of all snitches," Barriault’s older sister, Ashley, 7.

"I may have been innocent when they put me in here, but I’m sure as heck not innocent now," said Barriault, who has served time-outs for a wide range of offenses over the years, including public misconduct, second-degree assault of a sibling, and vandalism misdemeanors when only 17 months old. "They took eight minutes of my life away, eight minutes of playtime I’ll never get back, eight minutes of cartoons I’ll never get the chance to experience—and for that, they will pay."

Monday’s capture of the young repeat offender was followed by a lengthy and disorderly trial, in which Barriault, who chose to represent himself, deliberately disrupted the proceedings by screaming and running around in circles until he had to be forcibly detained. Barriault alleges that he was then escorted with unnecessary force to his bedroom, made to empty out his pockets of three Yu-Gi-Oh! trading cards before being "worked over good by Mom" and receiving his sentence.

It remains unclear whether Barriault was ever offered a deal for apologizing for his behavior.

Barriault quietly seethes.

"In this corner, you have plenty of time to think," said Barriault, who claimed to have "tons of friends on the outside," including Jimmy, Josh, and Nana and Papa. "I know exactly what I’m going to do when my time is up. Who I’m going to visit. Plans? Yeah, you could say I’ve got some plans."

According to Barriault, being in the corner "is unlike anything else in the world." It can break the spirit of even the toughest of 5-year-olds, crush their confidence, and reduce them to nothing more than a "stupid little baby."

"This place, it can make a preschooler forget who they are, why it is they don’t like to share their Matchbox cars with other kids, what exactly about the taste of cauliflower makes it so yucky," added Barriault, who admitted that he can no longer remember what the touch of a good crayon feels like. "I wouldn’t wish this place on my worst enemies. No. I’ve got something entirely different in store for them."

Fidgeting either in anticipation of his release or from a growing urge to use the bathroom, Barriault told reporters Monday that despite not even being in the first grade, he never forgets a face.

"I’ve done my time. I’ve been a good little boy who’s seen the error of his ways," said Barriault with a smile. "And as soon as I get out, I’ll make things right. I’ll make sure everything gets made right. Cross my heart and hope to die."

"Stick a needle in my eye," he added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close