adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
End Of Section
  • More News

Child Makes Useless Gesture To Help Struggling Family

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Having observed his parents falling further into debt and despair since the auto plant where his father worked shut down, 5-year-old Brian Jacobson emptied out his entire piggy bank onto the kitchen table Monday, a worthless offering that will make absolutely no impact on his family's dire financial situation. "Here, Mom, I saved these quarters for the house," said the young Jacobson, eradicating .000002 percent of his parents' next mortgage payment. "You can take my Halloween candy, too. I got some left." Although his remaining four Tootsie Rolls and half dozen Smarties will likely not prevent a foreclosure on the Jacobson's home, the kindergartner will reportedly rescue his family from the brink of bankruptcy next month when he chokes to death on a defective Happy Meal toy.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close