Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

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Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

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Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

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WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

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WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

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Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

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DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

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Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

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Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

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Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

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Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

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Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

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Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...
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Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation

WASHINGTON, DC—In an event unprecedented in American history, Brandon Myers, a relatively obscure Iowa 10-year-old with no previous experience in domestic politics, took advantage of a clear leadership void and seized control of the United States Tuesday after he slipped away from his White House tour group and locked himself in the Oval Office.

Federal officers assess the damage to the seat of American power.

The bloodless coup occurred when Myers, a fifth-grader at Mulberry Elementary School, stormed into the empty office and seated himself at the president's desk, thereby toppling the world's longest-running democracy. Myers spent much of his reign, which lasted from approximately 2:00 p.m. to 2:15 p.m., spinning in circles in the president's chair before proclaiming that he was "President Brandon" with a handwritten decree scrawled in cursive on White House stationery.

"Earlier this afternoon, sometime between a description of the James Buchanan portrait in the Main Hall and the question-and-answer session, a pre- adolescent boy overthrew the president and gained executive authority over the United States of America," White House press secretary Dana Perino said at a news conference Tuesday. "Several minutes ago, our nation's new leader made his first statement: 'Brandon rules.'"

Shortly after forcing former president George W. Bush out of office, Myers issued an executive order for pizza using the intercom in the Oval Office. Congress immediately passed emergency funding for 1,200 stuffed-crust pepperoni pizzas from Pizza Hut.

While the sudden change in government came as a shock to millions, a number of Washington insiders claimed that Bush's low poll numbers and lame-duck status created the perfect environment for an ambitious individual to fill the nation's leadership vacuum. But, though Myers was put through the same level of security as anyone wishing to take a tour of the White House, there was no initial indication that he had ever before attempted to overthrow a sovereign nation. Further investigation, however, revealed that Myers possessed specific knowledge of the inner workings of the U.S. government.

"He knew about the three branches of government, and he understood how a bill becomes a law—that's when I knew he was serious," said the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Adm. Michael Mullen, who claimed Myers called the Pentagon more than 40 times on the president's direct line, using different voices before hanging up. "While it was certainly unorthodox when he ordered us to use our most awesome tanks to invade 'someplace' but would not say specifically where, the military functions by following orders."

Added Mullen: "That boy is the commander in chief, after all."

Pentagon sources also confirmed rumors that the Brandon administration mobilized the Iowa National Guard for deployment to Myers' school, where they received instructions to lower their pants and moon the principal.

Minutes after the coup began, Secret Service agents still loyal to President Bush snuck the ousted leader out of the White House's back door, and rushed him into an unmarked vehicle bound for Dulles International Airport. Denied access to Air Force One, Bush and his family then fled the nation on Lufthansa flight 687 bound for Zurich.

Though Myers appeared to have the support of top military leaders, opposition figures claim that his most heinous acts while in the office—including emptying out desk drawers, knocking over a priceless bust of Thomas Jefferson, and ripping down drapery and wearing it as a cape—are punishable by the harshest forms of spanking in the land. Others have questioned the 10-year-old's legitimacy altogether.

"While the Constitution does not explicitly address this situation, standards set forth in the Federalist Papers and other writings indicate that, by using the president's official pen on the president's official paper while sitting in the president's official chair, Myers became de facto ruler of the United States," said Georgetown University law professor Steven Fuller, adding that Myers' appointment of his friend Hal as vice president was equally binding. "The fact that [Myers] spelled 'president' wrong, however, does make it a bit of a legal gray area."

At press time, the nation remained in a state of flux, and it was unclear who would take over the Oval Office after Myers finally resigned out of boredom and left to rejoin the members of his tour.

Though his reign was brief and tumultuous, Myers could boast of several accomplishments during his 15-minute term, such as balancing the budget, pulling the troops out of Iraq, and establishing universal health care.

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