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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Child Pleads Case For Why Family Rabbit Should Be Named Aunt Susan

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Standing firmly behind his preference by delivering a sequence of fervent and well-reasoned arguments, local child Ben Greenewalt reportedly pleaded Friday for the Holland Lop rabbit his family recently acquired to be named Aunt Susan. “The bunny has all white hair, and Aunt Susan has all white hair,” said Greenewalt, 5, in his impassioned appeal to name the new pet after his mother’s elder sister, Susan Kanter, 48, making comparisons between the popular breed of household rabbit and Kanter’s demeanor, appetite, and physical features. “Please. The bunny’s kind of round and Aunt Susan is too. And they both eat a lot and just sit there. And you know what else? I love Aunt Susan, and I’m going to love this bunny so much.” Greenewalt concluded his presentation with a stirring reminder of his older brother Jeremy’s ineligibility for naming privileges, as he had selected the name of their goldfish, Jeremy.

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