adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Child Pleads Case For Why Family Rabbit Should Be Named Aunt Susan

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Standing firmly behind his preference by delivering a sequence of fervent and well-reasoned arguments, local child Ben Greenewalt reportedly pleaded Friday for the Holland Lop rabbit his family recently acquired to be named Aunt Susan. “The bunny has all white hair, and Aunt Susan has all white hair,” said Greenewalt, 5, in his impassioned appeal to name the new pet after his mother’s elder sister, Susan Kanter, 48, making comparisons between the popular breed of household rabbit and Kanter’s demeanor, appetite, and physical features. “Please. The bunny’s kind of round and Aunt Susan is too. And they both eat a lot and just sit there. And you know what else? I love Aunt Susan, and I’m going to love this bunny so much.” Greenewalt concluded his presentation with a stirring reminder of his older brother Jeremy’s ineligibility for naming privileges, as he had selected the name of their goldfish, Jeremy.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close