Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Child Running Around House In Bathing Suit Has No Immediate Plans To Visit Body Of Water

SEATTLE—Racing down the hallway in her purple-and-white-striped one-piece, Clara Shaw, 5, was scampering around in a swimsuit despite having no immediate plans to visit a body of water, household sources reported Monday. According to witnesses, the child rounded the corner into the living room and proceeded to excitedly bounce on the couch, even as sources confirmed no water-based outings were on the family’s agenda and the 60-degree day outside would preclude any spontaneous trip. Reports later confirmed that Shaw had in fact insisted on wearing her swimsuit although she had also enthusiastically endorsed dry-land activities such as watching Finding Dory again and going to the grocery store. At press time, Shaw’s 3-year-old brother had appeared, wearing nothing but snow boots.

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