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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Child Running Around House In Bathing Suit Has No Immediate Plans To Visit Body Of Water

SEATTLE—Racing down the hallway in her purple-and-white-striped one-piece, Clara Shaw, 5, was scampering around in a swimsuit despite having no immediate plans to visit a body of water, household sources reported Monday. According to witnesses, the child rounded the corner into the living room and proceeded to excitedly bounce on the couch, even as sources confirmed no water-based outings were on the family’s agenda and the 60-degree day outside would preclude any spontaneous trip. Reports later confirmed that Shaw had in fact insisted on wearing her swimsuit although she had also enthusiastically endorsed dry-land activities such as watching Finding Dory again and going to the grocery store. At press time, Shaw’s 3-year-old brother had appeared, wearing nothing but snow boots.

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