Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Child Running Around House In Bathing Suit Has No Immediate Plans To Visit Body Of Water

SEATTLE—Racing down the hallway in her purple-and-white-striped one-piece, Clara Shaw, 5, was scampering around in a swimsuit despite having no immediate plans to visit a body of water, household sources reported Monday. According to witnesses, the child rounded the corner into the living room and proceeded to excitedly bounce on the couch, even as sources confirmed no water-based outings were on the family’s agenda and the 60-degree day outside would preclude any spontaneous trip. Reports later confirmed that Shaw had in fact insisted on wearing her swimsuit although she had also enthusiastically endorsed dry-land activities such as watching Finding Dory again and going to the grocery store. At press time, Shaw’s 3-year-old brother had appeared, wearing nothing but snow boots.

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