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Child Shown Field Where Cubs Suck

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Child Shown Field Where Cubs Suck

CHICAGO—Visiting for the first time in his young life, 9-year-old Jacob Tendering was reportedly shown the field where his favorite team, the Chicago Cubs, suck every home game of the year, sources confirmed Wednesday. “That’s the place where all the shittiness happens,” said the child’s father, Lee Tendering, adding that the Cubs have been fucking up at Wrigley Field for almost 100 years. “Your grandpa used to take me here to watch the Cubs suck when I was a boy, and hopefully someday you’ll bring your son here to watch the Cubs suck.” At press time, Jacob’s father was fondly recalling how it was much cheaper to watch the Cubs suck back then.

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