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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Child Slavery Gives Area Activist Something To Do With Her Evenings

BOULDER, CO—The scourge of child slavery, an abhorrent practice affecting millions of exploited children under 12 worldwide, has given local woman Jenny Slocum, 36, something to do with her Tuesday and Thursday evenings. "Most Tuesdays I would end up just moping around the house, anyway, and child slavery's pretty awful," said Slocum, who "met some really cool people" while attending a recent meeting for Child Slavery Outreach. "Maybe next week I could host a CSO potluck and we could just hang out and talk about child slavery and stuff." Slocum said her commitment to child slavery would continue indefinitely unless the global warming people started meeting on the same nights.

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