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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression

Tremont, at the exact moment when he became a depressed human being.
Tremont, at the exact moment when he became a depressed human being.

SAN DIEGO—Shortly after losing grip of a helium-filled balloon and watching it float into the air above the San Diego Zoo Tuesday, local child Caleb Tremont, 3, reportedly began a battle with chronic depression that will last for the rest of his life.

Before Tremont even realized what was happening, sources confirmed the balloon’s ribbon slipped from his hand, drifting up and out of reach and etching into his memory an image that years later will come to represent the overwhelming despair at the core of his life-defining mental illness.

“No, the balloon,” said Tremont, who as an adult will work with his physician and several psychiatrists to find a suitable combination of anxiolytic and psychotropic medicines to quell the disease’s debilitating symptoms, ultimately turning into an over-medicated and unresponsive husk. “It’s flying away.”

“Come back,” added the toddler who will never feel entirely happy or normal again.

The symbol of melancholy and loss that will haunt Tremont for his entire adult life.

Sources indicated that upon seeing the balloon disappear behind a line of trees, Tremont began to grapple for the first time with the same feelings of irreversible loss and guilt that will eventually prevent him from enjoying activities he once loved and cause him to become utterly despondent in the face of a seemingly hostile world.

“I told you to hang on to it, buddy!” said Tremont’s father, inadvertently encouraging his son to blame himself for losing the balloon, sowing the seeds for neuroses that will render the 3-year-old unable to connect emotionally with other people, ruining many of his relationships and eventually causing him to be overly harsh on his own children for their mistakes. “Don’t cry, it’ll be fine.”

The increasingly distraught 3-year-old, who will gradually come to believe that he is a complete failure and a burden to everyone he knows, then reportedly burst into tears in what was only the very start of an inexorable, decades-long descent into severe clinical depression.

“It’s only a balloon, honey,” said Tremont’s mother, unaware that the dismissive response only served to compound the anxieties forming in her young son’s mind. “Come on, let’s go and see the animals.”

Tremont, whose sadness will swell over the course of years into what seems like an infinite, gaping dark void that neither monoamine oxidase inhibitors and serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors nor dietary changes will be able to close completely, was reportedly uninterested in seeing the animals.

“I didn’t mean to let the balloon fly away,” said the person who, while undergoing extensive psychotherapy in his mid-30s, will sometimes recall his childhood and try in vain to pinpoint some particular event that may have triggered the depression. “I didn’t mean to. I want the balloon back.”

At press time, Tremont’s parents had reportedly bought him a replacement balloon that was the wrong color.

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