Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 10

Iowa Fashion Week Begins

DES MOINES, IA—The greater Des Moines area was abuzz with excitement Monday as Iowa’s annual Fashion Week officially kicked off, opening a busy seven days of runway shows and clothing exhibitions showcasing Iowa’s hottest new styles from...

Albany Bucket Museum

Learn about the history of buckets with a self-guided tour through the museum's four fascinating exhibits, then sit down and watch the hourly documentary about buckets and their role in winning America's independence.

God Worried He Fucked Up His Children

THE HEAVENS—Saying that maybe He wasn’t around enough and could have expressed His divine love a little better throughout the history of mankind, Our Lord God and Almighty Father expressed concern Thursday that He might have fucked up His chil...

Justin Bieber Hospitalized After Fainting At Concert

Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber was seen struggling during a performance of “Beauty and a Beat” at a show in London last night before walking off stage and fainting out of view of the audience, and was later taken to a hospital.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression

Tremont, at the exact moment when he became a depressed human being.
Tremont, at the exact moment when he became a depressed human being.

SAN DIEGO—Shortly after losing grip of a helium-filled balloon and watching it float into the air above the San Diego Zoo Tuesday, local child Caleb Tremont, 3, reportedly began a battle with chronic depression that will last for the rest of his life.

Before Tremont even realized what was happening, sources confirmed the balloon’s ribbon slipped from his hand, drifting up and out of reach and etching into his memory an image that years later will come to represent the overwhelming despair at the core of his life-defining mental illness.

“No, the balloon,” said Tremont, who as an adult will work with his physician and several psychiatrists to find a suitable combination of anxiolytic and psychotropic medicines to quell the disease’s debilitating symptoms, ultimately turning into an over-medicated and unresponsive husk. “It’s flying away.”

“Come back,” added the toddler who will never feel entirely happy or normal again.

The symbol of melancholy and loss that will haunt Tremont for his entire adult life.

Sources indicated that upon seeing the balloon disappear behind a line of trees, Tremont began to grapple for the first time with the same feelings of irreversible loss and guilt that will eventually prevent him from enjoying activities he once loved and cause him to become utterly despondent in the face of a seemingly hostile world.

“I told you to hang on to it, buddy!” said Tremont’s father, inadvertently encouraging his son to blame himself for losing the balloon, sowing the seeds for neuroses that will render the 3-year-old unable to connect emotionally with other people, ruining many of his relationships and eventually causing him to be overly harsh on his own children for their mistakes. “Don’t cry, it’ll be fine.”

The increasingly distraught 3-year-old, who will gradually come to believe that he is a complete failure and a burden to everyone he knows, then reportedly burst into tears in what was only the very start of an inexorable, decades-long descent into severe clinical depression.

“It’s only a balloon, honey,” said Tremont’s mother, unaware that the dismissive response only served to compound the anxieties forming in her young son’s mind. “Come on, let’s go and see the animals.”

Tremont, whose sadness will swell over the course of years into what seems like an infinite, gaping dark void that neither monoamine oxidase inhibitors and serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors nor dietary changes will be able to close completely, was reportedly uninterested in seeing the animals.

“I didn’t mean to let the balloon fly away,” said the person who, while undergoing extensive psychotherapy in his mid-30s, will sometimes recall his childhood and try in vain to pinpoint some particular event that may have triggered the depression. “I didn’t mean to. I want the balloon back.”

At press time, Tremont’s parents had reportedly bought him a replacement balloon that was the wrong color.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More