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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Childress Defends Using Peterson For Running Errands

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Responding to speculation that Adrian Peterson's sprained knee may be the result of overusing the talented rookie, Vikings head coach Brad Childress released a statement Monday defending his practice of using the superstar rookie on rushing plays, passing plays, kickoff returns, punt returns, movie returns, grocery runs, and home repairs. "Adrian is a great young talent, and the team doctors say he can still do a lot for this team, both on the field and around my house," Childress said of the multi-tasking back who currently leads the league in yards raked. "Naturally, situations will dictate how he's used, but you can expect to see him playing an increased role around my household. Any coach in this league would love to have a player who can put an entire team or bedroom set on his back and carry them into the postseason or attic." Peterson, who spent Tuesday's practice washing Childress' car at a Minnetonka self-service car wash, said that his injured knee wouldn't affect his aggressive cleaning style.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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