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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Childress Defends Using Peterson For Running Errands

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Responding to speculation that Adrian Peterson's sprained knee may be the result of overusing the talented rookie, Vikings head coach Brad Childress released a statement Monday defending his practice of using the superstar rookie on rushing plays, passing plays, kickoff returns, punt returns, movie returns, grocery runs, and home repairs. "Adrian is a great young talent, and the team doctors say he can still do a lot for this team, both on the field and around my house," Childress said of the multi-tasking back who currently leads the league in yards raked. "Naturally, situations will dictate how he's used, but you can expect to see him playing an increased role around my household. Any coach in this league would love to have a player who can put an entire team or bedroom set on his back and carry them into the postseason or attic." Peterson, who spent Tuesday's practice washing Childress' car at a Minnetonka self-service car wash, said that his injured knee wouldn't affect his aggressive cleaning style.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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