Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Child’s Favorite Restaurant Also Dad’s Favorite Bar

ALDINE, TX—Raving about the establishment’s French fries and nachos, 7-year-old Joshua Behr told reporters Friday that Gordo’s—his father’s favorite local bar—was his favorite restaurant. “They have the best food in the world, and I always say I want to go there whenever Dad takes us out to eat,” Behr said of the pub his father enjoys for its beer-and-a-shot specials and the multiple large TVs showing several different sporting events at once. “They have pinball too, and you can even get free popcorn from a machine with a scooper. I definitely want to have my birthday there this year.” Behr went on to say that he especially loved being taken to Gordo’s on “Chicken Tender Tuesdays,” unaware it was also the night Heather tends bar.

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