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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Child’s Favorite Restaurant Also Dad’s Favorite Bar

ALDINE, TX—Raving about the establishment’s French fries and nachos, 7-year-old Joshua Behr told reporters Friday that Gordo’s—his father’s favorite local bar—was his favorite restaurant. “They have the best food in the world, and I always say I want to go there whenever Dad takes us out to eat,” Behr said of the pub his father enjoys for its beer-and-a-shot specials and the multiple large TVs showing several different sporting events at once. “They have pinball too, and you can even get free popcorn from a machine with a scooper. I definitely want to have my birthday there this year.” Behr went on to say that he especially loved being taken to Gordo’s on “Chicken Tender Tuesdays,” unaware it was also the night Heather tends bar.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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