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China Slaughters Population To Control Flu Outbreak

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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China Slaughters Population To Control Flu Outbreak

BEIJING—Chinese health officials entered a new phase of their bird-flu-containment campaign Monday by slaughtering all non-essential personnel, the Xinhua News Agency reported. "This weekend, we placed into bleach-filled plastic bags, asphyxiated, and then incinerated all 15 million residents of Beijing who may have come into contact with birds or the air through which birds have flown," Vice Minister of Agriculture Zhang Baowen said. "We are also asking the World Health Organization for additional help in eliminating the human-borne vector of this virus." Plans to connect the remaining 1.3 billion potentially infected citizens to high-voltage power lines extending from the Three Gorges hydroelectric dam will commence within the week.

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