Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

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Vol 30 Issue 09

Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball sporting clubs vie for a berth in the great Championship Series of the World. I predict that the Knickerbockers will give those accursed Red Stockings a sound thrashing. Of course, we can't count out the great Pie Traynor and his Philadelphia Peglegs.

Voter Apathy

Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't we voting?

Bitch Be Gettin' All That Way

DETROIT—Sources revealed Monday that Keshonda Lewis, a played-out, certified stank-ass ho from the Detroit area, be gettin' all that way. "Keshonda think she all that," said Tamika Wilson, 22, a one-time friend of Lewis'. "Well, I got news for you—she ain't." According to Wilson, Lewis "be all like, 'I'm Miss Thang,'" when, in fact, "None of the brothers around the way want a piece of that coochie." President Clinton declined comment on the situation.

Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

STOCKTON, CA—At a packed press conference Monday, former U.S. Marine Randy Barcynski unveiled his plans to watch lots of television in the coming months. "I am going to watch a hell of a lot of TV," announced the unemployed Barcynski, who served with the 57th Division in the Gulf War, earning two Silver Medals of Distinction. "The Price is Right, One Life to Live, Seinfeld, Cybill, ER—those are just some of the many, many shows I am going to watch." Barcynski added that among the new fall shows, Mr. Rhodes and Party Girl are his favorites, though he stressed that he would watch all the others as well, even those he dislikes. Added Barcynski, "You have no idea how much freaking TV I am going to watch."

Society Tea Party Spoiled By Ocelot

LONDON—A formal tea party, hosted by Lady Edwina Wolford-Bingham and attended by many of the finest members of London's high society, was spoiled Sunday by the appearance of an ocelot. "Oh, dear," said Lady Wolford-Bingham, whose father, Lord William Alfred Shropshire-Wolford, was a third cousin of Winston Churchill's. "There appears to be an ocelot at my tea party." In addition to "badly scratching" Lady Catherine Norwich Baker Putnam-Howe, the angry ocelot overturned a number of tables and broke an expensive vase.

Man Captures Ross Perot, Is Granted Three Wishes

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Area resident Darnell Tanner was granted three wishes Monday when he discovered and captured Reform Party presidential candidate Ross Perot in a magic pea patch. "I was just walking along when I saw something rustling among a clump of leaves," Tanner said. "I went closer, and there was Ross Perot, helping a group of tiny bees sprinkle fairy dust. I picked him up, and he told me I could have anything I wanted." According to Tanner, who has spent his first wish on a 50-foot yacht, the Texas billionaire's only condition was that he may never reveal the location of the secret pea patch. "Perot said that if I told anyone, I'd lose all my wishes and be banned from Pretty Pixie Land forever," Tanner said. "He also told me that it's time the American people had a government that worked for them."

Me An' Cletus Is A-Feudin'

Shut yer tater trap and listen here— that consarned Cletus an' I is a-feudin' agin', and ain't nothin' on God's green Earth gonna stop me from tannin' his hide but good!

I Saw Fabio at RomantiCon '96!

Hate to say it, folks, but your old pal Jean had just about the lousiest summer since the Bay City Rollers canceled their show at the Schenck Ice Arena in June 1977!

The First Wives Phenomenon

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?
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Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Technology

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Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

BEIJING, CHINA (AP)—After 8,000 years of strained relations, the people of China and the world ant community signed a treaty Monday that will establish close relations between the two civilizations.

The treaty-signing ceremony, held at the State House in Beijing, was attended by Chinese Premier Deng Xiaopeng and other Chinese officials, as well as thousands of ants.

Signing the accord, Deng called for "a new era of friendly relations between the similarly industrious ant and Chinese peoples."

The leader of the ants, Queen XHB004-65B, then ceremoniously sprayed Deng with malodorous secretions from her engorged abdomen, signifying approval of the treaty, willingness to resume relations with China and acceptance of Deng as chief representative of the Chinese people.

Experts believe the ants and Chinese will learn much from each other in an effort to improve the orderliness of their already highly structured societies.

"In the areas of human resource management, the ants can teach us many things," said Chinese citizen #FW3R464-56G-M. "For example, what is the most effective technique for achieving total control over worker drones' motor directional behavior, turning them into will-less, automated servants of the state?"

"The ants have achieved great success in their development of a varied system of chemical trails which attract specific colony members for particular tasks. In China, we get similar results with iconography, " citizen #FW3R464-56G-M added. "By exchanging these kinds of secrets, both the Chinese and the ants will make the erasure of individual identity within their respective species even more efficient."

According to many political and entomological experts, as the oldest civilization on Earth other than ants, the Chinese share much in terms of culture with their six-legged allies.

Said Oxford University's Dr. G. Edward Scoldot, noted sinologist and ant collector: "Although Chinese culture seems to have transformed itself over the last 50 years under Communism, Maoism was merely the latest version of a 10,000-year-old Chinese, God Emperor society, in which one individual represents the entirety of every citizen's existence, a system virtually unchanged since time immemorial."

As part of Monday's "Chinant" alliance, the two species may also mate, a possibility that is intriguing to both sides.

"Our future Chinantian offspring will be as powerful as they will be prolific," ant #REDFS872453467 said. "It is our duty to the Queen that our descendants will achieve eventual and inevitable domination of the planetary biosphere."

The sentiment was echoed by the Chinese, who already represent an impressive 4 percent of the earth's biomass.

Improved Sino-Anto relations, it is hoped, will also bring about great reductions in engineering costs throughout China; ant engineering technology, long considered the most advanced in the world, will be supplied to the Chinese through a series of special trade agreements, mostly in exchange for crumbs.

Already in the works is the formation of an enormous human bridge across the Yangtze River, which will automatically materialize when people need to cross and disassemble afterwards, at a projected cost of $0.

Chinese citizen #PD7C368-72J-K stressed the importance of learning from the ants how best to deal with dissent. "Until now, we have quelled democratic protests with tanks," he said. "But ants devour dissenters and all their offspring so they will not corrupt the ant gene pool. This is something we must look into."

"I also hope to learn how to better motivate my drones," said Chinese citizen #MM8J536-38V-F, who owns a small fireworks manufacturing business. "The selective formation of work-specific phenotypes, which the ants control through the allocation of foodstuffs in such a manner so as to retard or accelerate larval growth as need dictates, is greatly admirable. It will greatly improve my workers' output."

Ant leaders are confident that their onetime enemy has much to offer them. "We are very much interested in learning how to make gun powder," said one ant representative, "And also computers."

"Chinese worker drones are remarkably efficient," the queen ant said. "We have long admired them for their ability to manufacture clothing and other products at twice the speed and half the cost of other human societies. The time has come to let centuries of pointless competition for resources come to an end."

"All hail the Chinant collective," the queen concluded. The phrase was then repeated by every man, woman and child in China and every ant for approximately 18 straight hours.

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