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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

BEIJING, CHINA (AP)—After 8,000 years of strained relations, the people of China and the world ant community signed a treaty Monday that will establish close relations between the two civilizations.

The treaty-signing ceremony, held at the State House in Beijing, was attended by Chinese Premier Deng Xiaopeng and other Chinese officials, as well as thousands of ants.

Signing the accord, Deng called for "a new era of friendly relations between the similarly industrious ant and Chinese peoples."

The leader of the ants, Queen XHB004-65B, then ceremoniously sprayed Deng with malodorous secretions from her engorged abdomen, signifying approval of the treaty, willingness to resume relations with China and acceptance of Deng as chief representative of the Chinese people.

Experts believe the ants and Chinese will learn much from each other in an effort to improve the orderliness of their already highly structured societies.

"In the areas of human resource management, the ants can teach us many things," said Chinese citizen #FW3R464-56G-M. "For example, what is the most effective technique for achieving total control over worker drones' motor directional behavior, turning them into will-less, automated servants of the state?"

"The ants have achieved great success in their development of a varied system of chemical trails which attract specific colony members for particular tasks. In China, we get similar results with iconography, " citizen #FW3R464-56G-M added. "By exchanging these kinds of secrets, both the Chinese and the ants will make the erasure of individual identity within their respective species even more efficient."

According to many political and entomological experts, as the oldest civilization on Earth other than ants, the Chinese share much in terms of culture with their six-legged allies.

Said Oxford University's Dr. G. Edward Scoldot, noted sinologist and ant collector: "Although Chinese culture seems to have transformed itself over the last 50 years under Communism, Maoism was merely the latest version of a 10,000-year-old Chinese, God Emperor society, in which one individual represents the entirety of every citizen's existence, a system virtually unchanged since time immemorial."

As part of Monday's "Chinant" alliance, the two species may also mate, a possibility that is intriguing to both sides.

"Our future Chinantian offspring will be as powerful as they will be prolific," ant #REDFS872453467 said. "It is our duty to the Queen that our descendants will achieve eventual and inevitable domination of the planetary biosphere."

The sentiment was echoed by the Chinese, who already represent an impressive 4 percent of the earth's biomass.

Improved Sino-Anto relations, it is hoped, will also bring about great reductions in engineering costs throughout China; ant engineering technology, long considered the most advanced in the world, will be supplied to the Chinese through a series of special trade agreements, mostly in exchange for crumbs.

Already in the works is the formation of an enormous human bridge across the Yangtze River, which will automatically materialize when people need to cross and disassemble afterwards, at a projected cost of $0.

Chinese citizen #PD7C368-72J-K stressed the importance of learning from the ants how best to deal with dissent. "Until now, we have quelled democratic protests with tanks," he said. "But ants devour dissenters and all their offspring so they will not corrupt the ant gene pool. This is something we must look into."

"I also hope to learn how to better motivate my drones," said Chinese citizen #MM8J536-38V-F, who owns a small fireworks manufacturing business. "The selective formation of work-specific phenotypes, which the ants control through the allocation of foodstuffs in such a manner so as to retard or accelerate larval growth as need dictates, is greatly admirable. It will greatly improve my workers' output."

Ant leaders are confident that their onetime enemy has much to offer them. "We are very much interested in learning how to make gun powder," said one ant representative, "And also computers."

"Chinese worker drones are remarkably efficient," the queen ant said. "We have long admired them for their ability to manufacture clothing and other products at twice the speed and half the cost of other human societies. The time has come to let centuries of pointless competition for resources come to an end."

"All hail the Chinant collective," the queen concluded. The phrase was then repeated by every man, woman and child in China and every ant for approximately 18 straight hours.

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