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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Chinese Authorities Execute 10 Million Recalled Toys

BEIJING—In an attempt to assure the world's children that the millions of Chinese-made toys currently being recalled for containing toxic lead paint and tiny choking hazards can no longer hurt them, high-level Chinese officials announced Tuesday that millions of playthings are being rounded up and immediately put to death.

Suspected lead- paint-tainted Barbie dolls face firing squads in China.

"We are committed to the well-being of children and putting the consumer's mind at ease," said Chinese president Hu Jintao at a press conference. "Boys and girls of the world, you need not worry. Your toys will be executed swiftly and harshly. When we are through, there will be nothing left to play with."

In the past six weeks, Mattel Inc. has recalled more than 20 million toys from China that are believed to contain lead paint and other safety defects, a situation that prompted the Chinese government to send People's Liberation Army forces into major industrial sectors to mercilessly slaughter any remaining items that have not been exported for sale overseas. So far, an estimated 9 to 10 million toys, from anonymous dolls and miniature cars to trademarked characters such as Thomas the Tank Engine, Curious George, and Big Bird have been reportedly kicked, smashed with rifles, shocked with electric batons, hanged, and pounded with nails, before having their ears severed and eyes gouged out, and then being shot.

"Believe me when I say you can sleep peacefully tonight," said Hu, who reportedly gave troops direct orders to force thousands upon thousands of Polly Pocket dolls to their knees, point assault rifles at the backs of their heads, and blow their toxin-filled skulls to bits. "We wish to reassure the world that we are taking care of this problem. We shall serve the young people."

Chinese toy manufacturers are reportedly complying with the government's wishes. According to the Xinhua News Agency, in the past three days alone, factory owners roused an estimated 365,000 Barbie dolls from their dream homes in a violent series of raids. During these raids, the Barbies were separated from their Kens, were stripped naked, and had their heads shaved. They were then taken to an undisclosed area, leaned against a wall because they were incapable of standing under their own power, and shot by a firing squad as toy soldiers were forced to watch.

"We are assisting the authorities in destroying toys," said Chen Hai, a senior manager at Joy Sing Industrial Plastics Co., a supplier contracted by several major American toy companies. "This is not all talk. We invite any concerned American parents to come here and tour our toy torture chambers to see the toys' agony for themselves."

Chen added that, as a precaution, the factory also executed 5,000 workers.

A toy-abuse-monitoring group, the Association for the Advancement of Plastic People (AAPP), said it has gathered evidence suggesting that the Chinese government has also detained an additional 20 million toys for questioning. According to the group, even toys that contained only trace levels of lead paint were loaded onto trains bound for detention centers in remote provinces of Western China, where they were allegedly deprived of sleep, burned with cigarettes, and subjected to traditional Chinese water torture.

The AAPP also released video smuggled from an unidentified detention center showing Chinese intelligence officers attempting to extract information on the whereabouts of suspected lead-tainted toys from a Little Mommy Real Loving Baby Doll, despite the fact that she was capable only of asking for her bottle and playing peek-a-boo. The gruesome footage shows the doll's eyes being forcibly taped open and her lack of genitals being melted with a soldering iron.

News of the crackdown is being received favorably by parents' organizations in the U.S.

"We're pleased the Chinese government is taking such an active and serious approach to the safety of toys," said Annelise Bow, director of the Brooklyn, NY—-based organization Our Children Come First. "We hope that in the future any potential uprisings among dangerous playthings coming out of China will be crushed before they can spread to our toyboxes."

Minister of Commerce Bo Xilai said he hoped the mass toy-purges would "send a strong message to our enemies who threaten to harm us with their dangerous chemical compounds."

"Only by flaying Elmo's lethal skin, and wrenching Dora the Explorer's deadly limbs from her sockets and publicly displaying her body parts can we effectively warn toys never to jeopardize the livelihood of the people," Bo said.

Government officials, however, still refused to confirm the whereabouts of Thomas the Tank Engine, rumored to have been splintered into pieces by attack dogs in Manchuria. Nor would it address allegations that hundreds of toy steam shovels in Guangdong Province were forced to dig their own graves before they were executed.

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