Chinese Crested Dog's Beautifully Descended Testicles Bring Divided Nation Together

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Vol 46 Issue 07

Local Snowplow Guy Ruins Winter Olympics

VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue.

Construction Restricts Daytona 500 Traffic To One Lane

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Construction crews working to patch the rippled and broken asphalt of Daytona International Speedway reduced traffic to a single lane during last Sunday's Daytona 500, resulting in average speeds of 35 miles per hour.

Nate Robinson

The high-scoring point guard is now the first three-time NBA Slam-Dunk Contest winner. Is he any good?

Lawmaker Seeks To Ban U.S. Currency

Mike Pitts, a representative in the South Carolina legislature, has proposed a law that would replace dollars with gold and silver in his state. What...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Chinese Crested Dog's Beautifully Descended Testicles Bring Divided Nation Together

NEW YORK—Awed and inspired by the gloriously formed, beautifully descended testicles of Tommy, a hairless Chinese crested dog competing in his second Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, millions of U.S. citizens took stock of their lives and set aside their differences Tuesday to stare at the canine's perfectly groomed reproductive glands. "Those trembling orbs are so breathtakingly magnificent in and of themselves, yet they also contain within them such potential," said Allentown, PA machinist and former Tea Party member Roy Halbstead, who, upon seeing the dog's testicles on Animal Planet, immediately committed himself to the cause of reconciliation and healing America's rifts. "Furthermore, while they are two separate entities, they share one canine scrotum and work together for a common goal. Truly those dog testes are the very symbol of our great nation." Despite the unparalleled unifying powers displayed by Tommy's messianic testicles, the award for Best Testicles in Show went to Aubrey's Bellerophon, a 3-year-old huge-sacked Dogue de Bordeaux.

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