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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Chinese Crested Dog's Beautifully Descended Testicles Bring Divided Nation Together

NEW YORK—Awed and inspired by the gloriously formed, beautifully descended testicles of Tommy, a hairless Chinese crested dog competing in his second Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, millions of U.S. citizens took stock of their lives and set aside their differences Tuesday to stare at the canine's perfectly groomed reproductive glands. "Those trembling orbs are so breathtakingly magnificent in and of themselves, yet they also contain within them such potential," said Allentown, PA machinist and former Tea Party member Roy Halbstead, who, upon seeing the dog's testicles on Animal Planet, immediately committed himself to the cause of reconciliation and healing America's rifts. "Furthermore, while they are two separate entities, they share one canine scrotum and work together for a common goal. Truly those dog testes are the very symbol of our great nation." Despite the unparalleled unifying powers displayed by Tommy's messianic testicles, the award for Best Testicles in Show went to Aubrey's Bellerophon, a 3-year-old huge-sacked Dogue de Bordeaux.

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