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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Chinese Factory Workers Fear They May Never Be Replaced With Machines

SUZHOU, CHINA—Expressing growing concerns about their future job security, factory workers across China reported this week that they are deeply worried they may never lose their menial, hazardous positions on product assembly lines to automated machinery. “It’s a frightening prospect, but I’m starting to seriously believe that the day I find myself replaced by a robot is never coming,” 22-year-old Wintek employee Jie Liu told reporters, echoing the fears of thousands of his fellow laborers assembling touchscreen components on a cramped and poorly ventilated factory floor, all of whom said they were afraid that the installation of mechanized technology that renders obsolete their 18-hour workdays, subhuman working conditions, and tiny, roach-infested dormitories might still be decades off. “As much as it pains me to say, I just have to accept that I’ll be employed in this position for the foreseeable future. It’s sad to think jobs like these may still be here for my children.” Liu noted that his most realistic hope now was being rendered incapable of working after getting his hand caught in a machine press.

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