adBlockCheck

Chinese Government Cracks Down On Refills

Top Headlines

International

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Satisfaction

Chinese Government Cracks Down On Refills

BEIJING—The Chinese government issued an official crackdown on all beverage refills Monday, warning that those who are caught helping themselves to more than one serving of any drink will be prosecuted as "traitors against the state."

Chinese riot police subdue a Beijing University student caught with a Mello Yello refill near Tiananmen Square.

"There will be no extra servings of Coke, Sprite or any other beverage in the Great and Glorious People's Republic of China," President Jiang Zemin announced via national radio Monday. "Refills are the poisonous creation of the Western capitalist running dog, who is too gluttonous to be satisfied by what can be contained in a single 12- or 16-ounce cup."

The crackdown comes in the wake of a Jan. 15 student-led rally in Beijing's Tiananmen Square, in which more than 450,000 pro-refill demonstrators were run over by government tanks. More than 270,000 other demonstrators were arrested and sent to refill re-education compounds in the remote Yinchuan province in Central Asia, where they will be taught to "contain their beverage thirst to those limits which are in accordance with the teachings of Chairman Mao."

"One drink," said Chinese Premier Li Peng. "One drink only."

As part of the government's enforcement of the crackdown, all those who order soft drinks at fast-food restaurants will be forced to pass through a series of checkpoints before filling their cups at self-serve soda fountains. At each checkpoint, armed army guards will inspect the wax-lined paper cups for moisture, cracking, beading, lip marks, or any other signs of prior usage.

According to U.S. intelligence experts on China, in response to the new checkpoint system, illegal cup smuggling rings are already beginning to form.

"In Wuhan province," said Robert Lovell, the CIA's head of Asian Affairs, "there are widespread reports of medium drink cups being smuggled past guards and into restaurants hidden inside large cups. In the Cantonese city of Zhanjiang, there are even reports of larges being smuggled inside 'super-size' ones."

"The risks are great," Lovell said, "but the potential refreshment is even greater."

The new anti-refill measures are the latest in a series of severe state-sponsored crackdowns. In the past month alone, the Chinese government has banned, under penalty of death: sharing entrees; holding hands; whistling; uttering the phrase, "Nice to meet you"; and wearing eyeglasses.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close