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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Chinese Newlyweds Wondering What They’re Going To Do With All This Medicinal Bear Bile

PINGLIANG, CHINA—After taking the time to open and sort through all of their wedding gifts Thursday, newly married Chinese couple Li Zhang and Yue Xu were reportedly at a loss as to what they were supposed to do with the dozens of bottles of medicinal bear bile they received. “I don’t know what we’re going to do with all this bear bile—this is way more than two people could possibly use,” said Yue, who confirmed that friends and family also left them with half a dozen deer penises, several gallons of turtle blood, and nearly 10 pounds of ox gallstones. “And we said we wanted just one tiger claw, but we got five. We appreciate the thought, but only one of us has insomnia.” As of press time, a cousin who missed the ceremony was reportedly arranging to send a crate of flying squirrel feces before the one-year grace period on wedding presents expired.

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