Chinese Newlyweds Wondering What They’re Going To Do With All This Medicinal Bear Bile

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 33

Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51

In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s.

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.

Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft. Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage throu...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Chinese Newlyweds Wondering What They’re Going To Do With All This Medicinal Bear Bile

PINGLIANG, CHINA—After taking the time to open and sort through all of their wedding gifts Thursday, newly married Chinese couple Li Zhang and Yue Xu were reportedly at a loss as to what they were supposed to do with the dozens of bottles of medicinal bear bile they received. “I don’t know what we’re going to do with all this bear bile—this is way more than two people could possibly use,” said Yue, who confirmed that friends and family also left them with half a dozen deer penises, several gallons of turtle blood, and nearly 10 pounds of ox gallstones. “And we said we wanted just one tiger claw, but we got five. We appreciate the thought, but only one of us has insomnia.” As of press time, a cousin who missed the ceremony was reportedly arranging to send a crate of flying squirrel feces before the one-year grace period on wedding presents expired.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More