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Chinese Newlyweds Wondering What They’re Going To Do With All This Medicinal Bear Bile

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

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Chinese Newlyweds Wondering What They’re Going To Do With All This Medicinal Bear Bile

PINGLIANG, CHINA—After taking the time to open and sort through all of their wedding gifts Thursday, newly married Chinese couple Li Zhang and Yue Xu were reportedly at a loss as to what they were supposed to do with the dozens of bottles of medicinal bear bile they received. “I don’t know what we’re going to do with all this bear bile—this is way more than two people could possibly use,” said Yue, who confirmed that friends and family also left them with half a dozen deer penises, several gallons of turtle blood, and nearly 10 pounds of ox gallstones. “And we said we wanted just one tiger claw, but we got five. We appreciate the thought, but only one of us has insomnia.” As of press time, a cousin who missed the ceremony was reportedly arranging to send a crate of flying squirrel feces before the one-year grace period on wedding presents expired.

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