Chinese Rockers Hold Benefit For Oppression

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Vol 33 Issue 05

Nation’s Teen Drug Problem Ended By Rapping Cartoon Spokesbeast

WASHINGTON, DC—Anti-drug crusaders and concerned parents nationwide are expressing deep gratitude to Rico The Rad Rhino, a rapping cartoon spokesbeast who ended the nation's teen drug problem with a televised PSA Saturday. "When somebody passes some drugs my way, I'm playin' it cool and sayin', 'No way, José!'" Rico told America's youth in a 30-second spot that aired at 10 a.m. EST during NBC's Saved By The Bell. By that afternoon, the percentage of U.S. teenagers who described themselves as "periodic to regular" drug users fell from 47 to 0. "This whimsical costumed spokesbeast, with his backwards baseball cap and firm grasp of teen slang, has singlehandedly convinced America's youth that drugs are for major turkeys, or, in the case of dope, dopes," said Beth Healy, director of Project Say No, the nonprofit organization that produced the spot. "He has succeeded in sending the message that abstinence from illegal drugs is way awesome." Rico next plans to tour America's prisons on an anti-homicide campaign.

WKZN-TV Concludes Broadcast Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Amidst a pre-recorded "Star-Spangled Banner" and stock footage of wheat fields and soaring Blue Angels jets, Charlottesville CBS affiliate WKZN-TV concluded its broadcast day at 3:30 a.m EST Tuesday. WKZN, owned by Jefferson Broadcasting Corporation, is a subsidiary of Mediatronic Broadcasting Corporation. WKZN's transmitting facility is located at the station's studio at 3371 Blue Ridge Way. WKZN's transmitter has an output power of 200,000 watts. WKZN is an Equal Opportunity Employer and supports local charities. "Good night," wished everyone at WKZN.

Stupid Thing Won’t Work

RENO, NV—Despite the repeated efforts of Reno resident Ken Hartley, a stupid thing that cost $185 will not work as of press time Tuesday. "The stupid thing won't work," a visibly angered Hartley told reporters. "You're supposed to hit both buttons at once, and then a number lights up, and you turn the switch to the 'on' position," he said, "but all I keep getting is these two dashes instead of numbers." Hartley went on to state what a royal pain in the ass it was just to get the stupid thing out of the box; how mad he is that the thing doesn't even come with a warranty; and how annoying it was to call the 1-800 tech-support number included in the stupid thing's stupid booklet, only to get a useless pre-recorded message.

Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

Not long ago I described to you how I was forced by one of my loath-some descendants to "baby-sit" her rotten little off-spring. As you may recall, the miserable brats showed me something I had never before witnessed: They pushed a small black box into a large, metal box with a glass front, and, shortly thereafter, an image appeared upon the glass of a hideous yellow ostrich-monster. I was apoplectic with fright, terrified that the feathered leviathan would spring out at me and devour my aged bones!

Fanzine Marred By Grammatical Error

BERKELEY, CA—A rare grammatical error was discovered Monday in the latest issue of MangaMash, a fanzine devoted to hardcore Japanese speed-metal bands and Sanrio/Hello Kitty novelty kitsch products.

New Ted Nugent Cologne Tested On ‘Every Goddamn Animal We Could Find’

ALPENA, MI—Ted Nugent held a press conference Monday to unveil his new signature fragrance "Heartland," which the veteran rocker touted as the most extensively tested cologne in history. "We tested that sumbitch on ferrets, weasels, deer, elk, squirrels, bison, trout, crickets, gibbons, iguanas, donkeys, capybaras, koalas, hyenas, penguins, woodpeckers—every goddamn animal we could find," Nugent said. "And, just to be extra-certain it was safe for consumer use, we injected it into a kitten's bloodstream, sprayed it on otters with open wounds that we inflicted, and forced cows to drink it through their nose. We also squirted it in a duck's eyes. Then we ran out of cologne and just started punching the duck." The cologne, now available in stores, features an ivory bottle stopper and comes in a genuine tiger-skin pouch.

The Winter Olympics

The 18th Olympic Winter Games began this week, turning the world's attention to Nagano, Japan. What do you think about the arrival of this quadrennial athletic event?

Ghost Of Anne Frank: 'Quit Reading My Diary'

Shocked to learn that the diary containing her most intimate thoughts and feelings has been read by millions of people worldwide, the ghost of Anne Frank held a press conference Monday to tell the world to "stop reading my diary, and put it back where you found it right this second."
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Chinese Rockers Hold Benefit For Oppression

BEIJING—A group of Chinese rock bands collectively known as Artists For Oppression held a benefit concert in Beijing's Tiananmen Square Saturday to raise money for the struggle against political dissent in China.

Fans join Chinese superstar Yu Zhonghui onstage in a concert to raise money and awareness in the fight against human rights.

The historic five-hour concert, which drew an estimated crowd of 250,000, generated more than $3 million for the Chinese army and secret police.

In addition to raising funds for such items as bayonets and leg shackles, the concert also helped raise awareness of the oft-overlooked problem of human rights in China, organizers said.

"Yes, there are a lot of innocent people wasting away in Chinese prisons for crimes they did not commit," Artists For Oppression organizer and Rocking Hard Boys lead singer Li Han said. "But what many people don't realize is that for every person jailed unjustly in China, another innocent person is set free because of foreign threats of economic sanctions against China or a weak-hearted provincial judge. People need to realize that not every political prisoner is being tortured and executed, and they need to ask start asking themselves, 'What can I do about this problem?'"

Continued Li: "We simply cannot afford to take the brutal repression of basic human rights for granted. We cannot assume that people like University of Shanghai professor Peng Chiang, who in 1978 was caught distributing pamphlets critical of the government and the legacy of Mao, will always receive sentences of life imprisonment," Peng said. "We must remain ever-vigilant if such gross violations of international law are to endure."

In addition to featuring a line-up of 15 of China's top rock bands, the Artists For Oppression show offered booths where concertgoers could do everything from sign up to join the army to throw bricks at pro-reform journalists. Volunteers also circulated among the crowd, collecting signatures on petitions calling for the execution of various political dissidents.

In perhaps the concert's most moving moment, the band Flying Rocket Ship asked audience members to hold lighters aloft in honor of Chinese Minister of Military Affairs Wu Mingxia. Wu, who died last Thursday at age 81, was the man behind the crushing of the massive pro-democracy demonstrations that occurred nine years ago at the very site of the concert. As a result of his orders to send tanks into Tiananmen Square, thousands of student protesters were killed or injured, ending all calls for political change and preserving oppression in China.

"It is for men like Minister Wu that we rock tonight. He is the reason we are here," Flying Rocket Ship guitarist Zhonghou Chen said prior to the band's final song. "Now, are you ready to do some more rocking? All right, let's tear the house down with some loud guitar sounds!"

Audience members, who were overwhelmingly in their teens and early 20s, said the concert was fun but also educational.

"I had a blast at the Artists For Oppression show," said Beijing 15-year-old Kunming Hong. "But I also learned a lot. This show really opened my eyes to the importance of maintaining order through military force, and to the importance of not giving people a taste of freedom, because then they'll just want more, and, eventually, all of society will collapse."

"This was music with a message," said 17-year-old Xiamen Chung. "It moved my feet, but it also moved my iron heart."

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