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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Chinese Takeout Restaurant Has Seen Man At His Worst

BROOKLYN, NY—Employees at the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant reportedly witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his worst Monday, when the unbathed and visibly exhausted freelance designer arrived at the Chinese takeout establishment at 10 a.m. and paid for his order of beef chow mein by placing seven crumpled dollar bills and half a cigarette on the counter. "He never looks too good when he comes in here," said cashier Lin Zhou, who added that she initially thought Rumergant was a patient from the nearby methadone clinic. "I think he had a piece of a straw wrapper stuck in his hair this time. He stinks really bad." According to the employees, Rumergant eventually shuffled out of the restaurant, started hacking uncontrollably, and spilled his food all over the sidewalk.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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