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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Chinese Takeout Restaurant Has Seen Man At His Worst

BROOKLYN, NY—Employees at the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant reportedly witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his worst Monday, when the unbathed and visibly exhausted freelance designer arrived at the Chinese takeout establishment at 10 a.m. and paid for his order of beef chow mein by placing seven crumpled dollar bills and half a cigarette on the counter. "He never looks too good when he comes in here," said cashier Lin Zhou, who added that she initially thought Rumergant was a patient from the nearby methadone clinic. "I think he had a piece of a straw wrapper stuck in his hair this time. He stinks really bad." According to the employees, Rumergant eventually shuffled out of the restaurant, started hacking uncontrollably, and spilled his food all over the sidewalk.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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