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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Chinese Takeout Restaurant Has Seen Man At His Worst

BROOKLYN, NY—Employees at the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant reportedly witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his worst Monday, when the unbathed and visibly exhausted freelance designer arrived at the Chinese takeout establishment at 10 a.m. and paid for his order of beef chow mein by placing seven crumpled dollar bills and half a cigarette on the counter. "He never looks too good when he comes in here," said cashier Lin Zhou, who added that she initially thought Rumergant was a patient from the nearby methadone clinic. "I think he had a piece of a straw wrapper stuck in his hair this time. He stinks really bad." According to the employees, Rumergant eventually shuffled out of the restaurant, started hacking uncontrollably, and spilled his food all over the sidewalk.

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