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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Chinese Takeout Restaurant Thought It Had Seen Man At His Worst

BROOKLYN, NY—Despite thinking that they had witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his absolute lowest Monday, employees of the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant realized their error Tuesday afternoon, when the weary freelance designer entered the Chinese eatery wearing a single shoe and a clump of dried duck sauce in his three-day-old beard. "Oh my God," said cashier Lin Zhou, who added that she initially thought Rumergant was a patient from the nearby methadone clinic. "He wouldn't look at me or say anything. He just pointed to menu on the wall and walked away." According to employees, Rumergant waited for his order by slumping down in the corner and resting his head on a collapsed stack of menus.

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