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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Chinese Takeout Restaurant Thought It Had Seen Man At His Worst

BROOKLYN, NY—Despite thinking that they had witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his absolute lowest Monday, employees of the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant realized their error Tuesday afternoon, when the weary freelance designer entered the Chinese eatery wearing a single shoe and a clump of dried duck sauce in his three-day-old beard. "Oh my God," said cashier Lin Zhou, who added that she initially thought Rumergant was a patient from the nearby methadone clinic. "He wouldn't look at me or say anything. He just pointed to menu on the wall and walked away." According to employees, Rumergant waited for his order by slumping down in the corner and resting his head on a collapsed stack of menus.

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