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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Chinese Woman Gives Birth to Septuplets, Has One Week To Choose

SHANGHAI, CHINA—In the second such documented case ever, Jinan Huang, a 33-year-old Shanghai woman, gave birth to septuplets Monday.

Jinan, who is in stable condition following the 31-hour delivery, has been given one week by government officials to decide which child she will keep.

"My husband and I have not decided for certain," said Jinan, speaking to reporters from her hospital bed shortly after the miraculous birth. "But we are very much considering keeping the second-born boy. He is the heaviest and, therefore, the most likely to survive and tend to us in our old age."

"We definitely do not want either of the two girls," Jinan's husband Lin said. "Of that much we are certain."

The six children not selected will, in accordance with Chinese multiple-birth law, be thrown off a mountaintop.

Since China's one-child-per-family law went into effect in 1983, more than 65 million multiple-birth babies have been put to death in the country.

Jinan, who said she had tried to have a baby for years, vehemently denied taking fertility drugs, the use of which is punishable by death in China. "I do not know how this happened," she said. "To my fellow citizens and our nation's leaders, I wish to apologize for this shameful and irresponsible multiple birth."

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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