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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Chinese Womens' Paralympic Team Under Investigation For Having Arms, Legs

BEIJING—After numerous protests and accusations of foul play from Paralympic athletes, especially those participating in judo, basketball, and tennis, the International Olympic Committee announced Tuesday they would investigate claims that many members of the Chinese female Paralympic team have full sets of functioning arms and legs.

"After reviewing the scores of U.S. volleyball's 25-0/25-0/25-0 three-set loss to the Chinese women, we were already considering an inquiry. But what confirmed it was how they looked on the podium together, all smiling, waving both hands, and standing on both legs," IOC spokeswoman Giselle Davies told reporters, adding that having arms and legs, especially in the Paralympics, offers a significant competitive advantage. "Unfortunately, because official documentation provided by our Chinese hosts does state that their female Paralympians lack arms and legs, there is very little chance of anything resulting from the investigation." Thus far the Chinese women have won gold, silver, and bronze in every single event except for swimming, in which American female Paralympian Michelle Phelps has won a record 36 gold medals.

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