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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Chipotle Mayo Doing All The Heavy Lifting In Sandwich

STERLING, CO—Saying the condiment was really putting the rest of the team on its back, area man Kevin Bentley confirmed Thursday that the chipotle mayo was doing all the heavy lifting in his sandwich. “Looks like this mayo is going to have to carry us across the finish line, because there’s absolutely nothing else on this sandwich that has anything going for it,” said Bentley, explaining that the spicy southwestern spread would, as usual, have to lead the charge since the roast turkey had zero to contribute, and the shredded lettuce was essentially dead weight. “The soggy tomato sure as hell isn’t helping, and that single slice of swiss cheese might as well have not shown up today. The bread should be pitching in a lot more, but it’s just sitting there like it knows the chipotle mayo is going to bail it out eventually—which it will, of course, just like always.” At press time, realizing that even chipotle mayo couldn’t prop up every sandwich on its own indefinitely, Bentley tried easing its burden by adding some crushed potato chips.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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