Cholera Outbreak Makes Americans Glad They Don’t Live in Africa

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Vol 29 Issue 14

San Diego Zoo Acquires Chinese Man

SAN DIEGO, CA—The San Diego Zoo, home to the world’s largest collection of animals in captivity, added its first human specimen Monday, acquiring Chinese man Xiang Zhengzhou from the Paris Metro Zoo.

Umabomber Captured

In a spectacular climax to the longest manhunt ever mounted by the FBI, federal agents captured the notorious, glamorous Umabomber yesterday.

Spring is a Great Time for Sex

One of the longest winters on record has drawn to a close. As the snow melts away and warm breezes begin blowing through the new season, the American people will begin the slow process of healing themselves from the psychological and spiritual ravages of ...

Middle Management Prepares for 'Operation Xerox-Fax'

HARTFORD, CT—Middle management officials at Coopers & Schmidt, a Hartford-based insurance claims adjustment firm, are busy gearing up this week for Operation Xerox-Fax, a covert, high-stakes faxing mission scheduled for April 23.

Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Cholera Outbreak Makes Americans Glad They Don’t Live in Africa

Lagos—The major cholera outbreak that has ravaged the Nigerian city of Lagos and surrounding rural villages has many Americans feeling very glad they do not live in Africa. “I am glad I live in Erie, PA, and not in Lagos or one of its surrounding villages,” American Carl Neesbrum said. Neesbrum, reflecting the view of many Americans, said he is also very glad he and his three children are not victims of cholera, a water-borne bacteria that inflicts explosive diarrhea, paralyzation and, ultimately, death on its victims. When told that Africans are dying by the hundreds each day and that simple, anti-bacteria vaccinations for the outbreak are unaffordable to the impoverished victims there, Neesbrun added, “I think I will go to Best Buy today and purchase a program for my CD-ROM.”

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