Choosing A College

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Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

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Choosing A College

The college years are a pivotal time in a person's life, not to mention a major financial investment. Here are some tips to help you choose the right school:

A scene of college life.

  • You can never go wrong choosing a college you saw advertised on public transportation.
  • There are many fine single-sex colleges where the emphasis is squarely on academics. Attend one of these only if you are a homosexual.
  • Examine the school's official crest. If it has a big pot leaf in the center, you are on the right track.
  • Find a college that will nurture your talents. For example, if you have an aptitude for dressing up in drag, penning witty quatrains, and awarding celebrities prizes as a way to draw attention to yourself, you may want to consider Harvard.
  • If you fail to get accepted at a good school, you have brought shame upon not only yourself, but also your entire family. Committing ritual seppuku is the only way to save face.
  • Schools that boast about their outstanding academic reputation are probably insecure about their inadequacies in other areas.
  • The Armed Forces Scholarship Program is a great way to earn a considerable amount of money toward college, but it has a small "joining the goddamn army" downside.
  • When consulting Playboy's annual party-school rankings, be sure to look closely at the students-per-hot-tub ratio.
  • Be wary of colleges where the chair of the history department keeps using the phrase "olden times."
  • If you are having a hard time deciding between Princeton and Yale, cry me a fucking river, Fauntleroy.
  • Avoid colleges where the previous year's commencement speaker was Burt Ward.
  • College? Aw, man, what are you thinking about college for? You're the best metal guitarist in Winneshiek County.