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Choosing A College

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Choosing A College

The college years are a pivotal time in a person's life, not to mention a major financial investment. Here are some tips to help you choose the right school:

A scene of college life.


  • You can never go wrong choosing a college you saw advertised on public transportation.
  • There are many fine single-sex colleges where the emphasis is squarely on academics. Attend one of these only if you are a homosexual.
  • Examine the school's official crest. If it has a big pot leaf in the center, you are on the right track.
  • Find a college that will nurture your talents. For example, if you have an aptitude for dressing up in drag, penning witty quatrains, and awarding celebrities prizes as a way to draw attention to yourself, you may want to consider Harvard.
  • If you fail to get accepted at a good school, you have brought shame upon not only yourself, but also your entire family. Committing ritual seppuku is the only way to save face.
  • Schools that boast about their outstanding academic reputation are probably insecure about their inadequacies in other areas.
  • The Armed Forces Scholarship Program is a great way to earn a considerable amount of money toward college, but it has a small "joining the goddamn army" downside.
  • When consulting Playboy's annual party-school rankings, be sure to look closely at the students-per-hot-tub ratio.
  • Be wary of colleges where the chair of the history department keeps using the phrase "olden times."
  • If you are having a hard time deciding between Princeton and Yale, cry me a fucking river, Fauntleroy.
  • Avoid colleges where the previous year's commencement speaker was Burt Ward.
  • College? Aw, man, what are you thinking about college for? You're the best metal guitarist in Winneshiek County.
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