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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Choosing A Family Pet

A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:

Children with their furry companions.


  • Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.
  • Select a pet with which you can experience both eros and agape.
  • Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.
  • Don't forget: Poodles are for big, flaming faggots.
  • Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.
  • Pick any pet you like. If you later decide you don't like it, simply kill it and feed it to your next "try-out" pet. Repeat as many times as necessary until you find the perfect pet for your family.
  • Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.
  • Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering.
  • Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.
  • Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.
  • For a fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place a kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't get any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.
  • Before letting your children play with their brand-new pet, remove potentially dangerous teeth and claws with a hand-held rotating saw.
  • For those parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings, remember: Many pets and children may be fed to one another.
  • Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.
  • Don't underestimate the fun and excitement your family can derive from The Amazing Live Sea Monkeys™—just add water and see them come to life!
  • Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behavior. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.
  • Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love, and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.

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