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Choosing A Health Club

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

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Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

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PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Choosing A Health Club

Choosing A Health Club
Choosing A Health Club

Health clubs are a great way to get in shape, but not every club is right for every person. Here are some tips to help you find the one that best suits you:

  • Some health clubs have creepy members who linger around the locker room and masturbate in the showers. If this is what you're looking for, be sure to ask first.
  • Make sure the club you select is inconveniently located miles across town so you'll have plenty of reason not to go.
  • Before making any decision, get the real inside scoop on health clubs by renting Perfect, starring Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta.
  • Your safety is important! Ask the correct way to operate the ThighSlicer before using it.
  • If you are surrounded by sweaty, attractive people in various stages of undress dancing to terrible music, you have accidentally entered a strip club. Health clubs are full of obese people like yourself.
  • Don't sign up for a membership unless you are genuinely serious about pretending to try to lose weight.
  • Avoid health clubs that display the exercise equipment in large cages with animals in them. These "clubs" are actually zoos.
  • Make sure you get to know the personal fitness trainer assigned to you during your first visit to the club, because you will never have the opportunity to speak to him or her again.
  • Choose a health club that offers convenient storage lockers so your wedding ring will be secure while you work out.
  • Look for a club with amenities such as a whirlpool, sauna, steam room, and massage room. This will enable you to avoid exercising altogether.
  • Before entering the club, check to make sure people can be seen leaving. If not, it could be an alien meat-packing plant in disguise.
  • If you are still overweight when you leave the club, you didn't exercise enough. Go back in.
  • Joining a health club is a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to eat a salad instead of that Whopper? Would that be so hard, you fat fucking tub?

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