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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Choosing A Health Club

Choosing A Health Club
Choosing A Health Club

Health clubs are a great way to get in shape, but not every club is right for every person. Here are some tips to help you find the one that best suits you:

  • Some health clubs have creepy members who linger around the locker room and masturbate in the showers. If this is what you're looking for, be sure to ask first.
  • Make sure the club you select is inconveniently located miles across town so you'll have plenty of reason not to go.
  • Before making any decision, get the real inside scoop on health clubs by renting Perfect, starring Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta.
  • Your safety is important! Ask the correct way to operate the ThighSlicer before using it.
  • If you are surrounded by sweaty, attractive people in various stages of undress dancing to terrible music, you have accidentally entered a strip club. Health clubs are full of obese people like yourself.
  • Don't sign up for a membership unless you are genuinely serious about pretending to try to lose weight.
  • Avoid health clubs that display the exercise equipment in large cages with animals in them. These "clubs" are actually zoos.
  • Make sure you get to know the personal fitness trainer assigned to you during your first visit to the club, because you will never have the opportunity to speak to him or her again.
  • Choose a health club that offers convenient storage lockers so your wedding ring will be secure while you work out.
  • Look for a club with amenities such as a whirlpool, sauna, steam room, and massage room. This will enable you to avoid exercising altogether.
  • Before entering the club, check to make sure people can be seen leaving. If not, it could be an alien meat-packing plant in disguise.
  • If you are still overweight when you leave the club, you didn't exercise enough. Go back in.
  • Joining a health club is a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to eat a salad instead of that Whopper? Would that be so hard, you fat fucking tub?

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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