Choosing A Health Club

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Vol 37 Issue 40

Flood Of Cheap Afghan Heroin To Arrive Just In Time For Recession

NEW YORK—The nation's smack addicts received welcome news Monday, when The Wall Street Journal reported that the war in Afghanistan has opened the floodgates for cheap Afghan heroin, just in time for the coming recession. "Even if their stock portfolios are dwindling, America's junkies can take heart in the fact that the Taliban is embarking on a massive heroin sell-off, slashing prices dramatically," Wall Street Journal reporter Tom Petzinger said. "So even if GE drops to $20 a share, keep in mind that heroin has dropped to $50 a gram." Ed Evans, a recently laid-off Detroit auto worker and longtime heroin addict, called the report "real great, uh, that's unnnnhhf..."

Actor's Parents Proud He's Playing A Doctor

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Gail and Milt Greenblatt, parents of soap-opera star Brett Green, are beaming with pride that their son is a doctor on ABC's All My Children. "Dr. Cord Montgomery graduated from Harvard Medical School at the top of his class," Gail told a neighbor Monday. "What's more, he's the youngest surgeon at Pine Valley's top hospital." Milt expressed relief that his son has left behind the "rough crowd" he ran with last fall as a bully on Gilmore Girls.

JCPenney Abandons 45-Second Sale

PLANO, TX—JCPenney announced Monday that it is discontinuing its "45-Second Sale," in which all store items are 60 percent off from 1:00:00 p.m. to 1:00:45 p.m. "The 45-second sale drew very strong customer response," JCPenney CEO Allen Questrom said Monday. "Regrettably, only a handful of shoppers actually got to capitalize on our fantastic bargains due to the horrific injuries they sustained during the cashier stampede." In the future, Questrom said, JCPenney sales would be two minutes long at an absolute minimum.

Weird Coworker Apparently Likes Walking Two Miles To Work Every Day

SACRAMENTO, CA—Despite owning a car and receiving frequent offers of rides from coworkers, State Farm Insurance claims adjuster Jonathan Kiel inexplicably prefers to make the daily two-mile trek to work on foot. "I know he's got a car, and he certainly earns enough for a monthly bus pass," coworker Colin Damrush said, "but for some freaky, mind-boggling reason, he insists on walking a distance of almost two miles every day—to and from work." Damrush said he and others in the office suspect Kiel is part of "some weird Luddite cult."

If I Don't Get My Medium-Rare Shell Steak With Roasted Vegetables In The Next 10 Minutes, The Terrorists Have Already Won

Waitress, I realize you're very busy and, no doubt, you have a lot on your mind. God knows, everyone does these days. But what this country needs right now is a return to normalcy. We need to work, laugh, and eat the way we did before Sept. 11. That's why it's absolutely vital that I get my medium-rare shell steak with roasted vegetables in the next 10 minutes. Because if I don't, well, then the terrorists have already won.

I'm No Tali-fan!

Item! Terrorism has hit these shores, and I for one am ready to put my foot down and say enough! I don't care if I become a target for terror as a result of my stance. I think this is the time for action, not silence. So I've put an American flag on my car, one on my mailbox, and one on my dog. Take that, Osama Ben Laden!

Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has issued several vague warnings of "credible threats" of terrorism, urging Americans to stay on alert. What do you think?

Oprah Makes A Correction

Oprah Winfrey recently withdrew her selection of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections for her book club. What did Franzen do to get dropped?
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Choosing A Health Club

Choosing A Health Club
Choosing A Health Club

Health clubs are a great way to get in shape, but not every club is right for every person. Here are some tips to help you find the one that best suits you:

  • Some health clubs have creepy members who linger around the locker room and masturbate in the showers. If this is what you're looking for, be sure to ask first.
  • Make sure the club you select is inconveniently located miles across town so you'll have plenty of reason not to go.
  • Before making any decision, get the real inside scoop on health clubs by renting Perfect, starring Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta.
  • Your safety is important! Ask the correct way to operate the ThighSlicer before using it.
  • If you are surrounded by sweaty, attractive people in various stages of undress dancing to terrible music, you have accidentally entered a strip club. Health clubs are full of obese people like yourself.
  • Don't sign up for a membership unless you are genuinely serious about pretending to try to lose weight.
  • Avoid health clubs that display the exercise equipment in large cages with animals in them. These "clubs" are actually zoos.
  • Make sure you get to know the personal fitness trainer assigned to you during your first visit to the club, because you will never have the opportunity to speak to him or her again.
  • Choose a health club that offers convenient storage lockers so your wedding ring will be secure while you work out.
  • Look for a club with amenities such as a whirlpool, sauna, steam room, and massage room. This will enable you to avoid exercising altogether.
  • Before entering the club, check to make sure people can be seen leaving. If not, it could be an alien meat-packing plant in disguise.
  • If you are still overweight when you leave the club, you didn't exercise enough. Go back in.
  • Joining a health club is a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to eat a salad instead of that Whopper? Would that be so hard, you fat fucking tub?

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