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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

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Choosing A Health Club

Choosing A Health Club
Choosing A Health Club

Health clubs are a great way to get in shape, but not every club is right for every person. Here are some tips to help you find the one that best suits you:

  • Some health clubs have creepy members who linger around the locker room and masturbate in the showers. If this is what you're looking for, be sure to ask first.
  • Make sure the club you select is inconveniently located miles across town so you'll have plenty of reason not to go.
  • Before making any decision, get the real inside scoop on health clubs by renting Perfect, starring Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta.
  • Your safety is important! Ask the correct way to operate the ThighSlicer before using it.
  • If you are surrounded by sweaty, attractive people in various stages of undress dancing to terrible music, you have accidentally entered a strip club. Health clubs are full of obese people like yourself.
  • Don't sign up for a membership unless you are genuinely serious about pretending to try to lose weight.
  • Avoid health clubs that display the exercise equipment in large cages with animals in them. These "clubs" are actually zoos.
  • Make sure you get to know the personal fitness trainer assigned to you during your first visit to the club, because you will never have the opportunity to speak to him or her again.
  • Choose a health club that offers convenient storage lockers so your wedding ring will be secure while you work out.
  • Look for a club with amenities such as a whirlpool, sauna, steam room, and massage room. This will enable you to avoid exercising altogether.
  • Before entering the club, check to make sure people can be seen leaving. If not, it could be an alien meat-packing plant in disguise.
  • If you are still overweight when you leave the club, you didn't exercise enough. Go back in.
  • Joining a health club is a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to eat a salad instead of that Whopper? Would that be so hard, you fat fucking tub?

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