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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Choosing A Health Club

Choosing A Health Club
Choosing A Health Club

Health clubs are a great way to get in shape, but not every club is right for every person. Here are some tips to help you find the one that best suits you:

  • Some health clubs have creepy members who linger around the locker room and masturbate in the showers. If this is what you're looking for, be sure to ask first.
  • Make sure the club you select is inconveniently located miles across town so you'll have plenty of reason not to go.
  • Before making any decision, get the real inside scoop on health clubs by renting Perfect, starring Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta.
  • Your safety is important! Ask the correct way to operate the ThighSlicer before using it.
  • If you are surrounded by sweaty, attractive people in various stages of undress dancing to terrible music, you have accidentally entered a strip club. Health clubs are full of obese people like yourself.
  • Don't sign up for a membership unless you are genuinely serious about pretending to try to lose weight.
  • Avoid health clubs that display the exercise equipment in large cages with animals in them. These "clubs" are actually zoos.
  • Make sure you get to know the personal fitness trainer assigned to you during your first visit to the club, because you will never have the opportunity to speak to him or her again.
  • Choose a health club that offers convenient storage lockers so your wedding ring will be secure while you work out.
  • Look for a club with amenities such as a whirlpool, sauna, steam room, and massage room. This will enable you to avoid exercising altogether.
  • Before entering the club, check to make sure people can be seen leaving. If not, it could be an alien meat-packing plant in disguise.
  • If you are still overweight when you leave the club, you didn't exercise enough. Go back in.
  • Joining a health club is a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to eat a salad instead of that Whopper? Would that be so hard, you fat fucking tub?

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