Choosing A Rest Home For Your Loved One

Top Headlines

Recent News

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Preparedness

Choosing A Rest Home For Your Loved One

Choosing the best nursing home possible for an elderly parent can be a difficult task. Here are some helpful tips to guide you through this very important decision:

Choosing A Rest Home

  • Be wary of nursing homes with stray dogs roaming the hallways, overturned garbage cans in the TV room, or placards reading, "Mercy Is For The Weak."
  • Don't expect your loved one to feel comfortable in his/her new home right off the bat. It takes a few weeks to get used to that overpowering urine stench.
  • Seeing a loved one die in a care facility can be a heartbreaking experience. Take your family shopping or to the movies instead.
  • When looking at a prospective rest home, ask yourself, "Would I want to waste away my last few years in a place like this?"
  • As a low-cost alternative to a nursing home, consider a local storage facility. Throw in a canteen of water and some Kit Kat bars once a week.
  • If you suspect a home is selling off residents as meat, be sure they cut you in for a share of the profits.
  • Feeling wanted can extend a person's life by years, increasing nursing-home costs. Make sure your loved one knows of your disdain and apathy toward them.
  • Before your loved one moves into his/her new room, make sure the nursing home has removed the body of the last resident.
  • To prevent bedsores, insist that your loved one be kept suspended from cables like in Coma.
  • Some of the newer nursing homes feature a drive-thru drop-off window for new patients.
  • Ask how your loved one likes his/her new home. But remember, in an infirmed state, "No! No! God, no!" often means, "I love it here."
  • Be sure to choose a nursing home where the residents are rolled over at least once a year.
  • A good nursing home provides diversions for residents. Ask to see the Price Is Right video library.
  • All the top rest homes serve delicious greenish-blue paste at mealtime. If you don't know whether the home you're considering offers it, ask.
  • Old people are often terrified of bats. Make sure the homes you're looking at are not major nesting sites.
  • You'll likely want to choose a home inconveniently located hundreds of miles away to minimize visits.
  • Remember: Rest homes are not merely a way to pass off responsibility for your loved one by dumping him/her in some god-forsaken place to die alone and unloved. Keep repeating this comforting phrase to yourself until you start to believe it.