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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Choosing A Rest Home For Your Loved One

Choosing the best nursing home possible for an elderly parent can be a difficult task. Here are some helpful tips to guide you through this very important decision:

Choosing A Rest Home

  • Be wary of nursing homes with stray dogs roaming the hallways, overturned garbage cans in the TV room, or placards reading, "Mercy Is For The Weak."
  • Don't expect your loved one to feel comfortable in his/her new home right off the bat. It takes a few weeks to get used to that overpowering urine stench.
  • Seeing a loved one die in a care facility can be a heartbreaking experience. Take your family shopping or to the movies instead.
  • When looking at a prospective rest home, ask yourself, "Would I want to waste away my last few years in a place like this?"
  • As a low-cost alternative to a nursing home, consider a local storage facility. Throw in a canteen of water and some Kit Kat bars once a week.
  • If you suspect a home is selling off residents as meat, be sure they cut you in for a share of the profits.
  • Feeling wanted can extend a person's life by years, increasing nursing-home costs. Make sure your loved one knows of your disdain and apathy toward them.
  • Before your loved one moves into his/her new room, make sure the nursing home has removed the body of the last resident.
  • To prevent bedsores, insist that your loved one be kept suspended from cables like in Coma.
  • Some of the newer nursing homes feature a drive-thru drop-off window for new patients.
  • Ask how your loved one likes his/her new home. But remember, in an infirmed state, "No! No! God, no!" often means, "I love it here."
  • Be sure to choose a nursing home where the residents are rolled over at least once a year.
  • A good nursing home provides diversions for residents. Ask to see the Price Is Right video library.
  • All the top rest homes serve delicious greenish-blue paste at mealtime. If you don't know whether the home you're considering offers it, ask.
  • Old people are often terrified of bats. Make sure the homes you're looking at are not major nesting sites.
  • You'll likely want to choose a home inconveniently located hundreds of miles away to minimize visits.
  • Remember: Rest homes are not merely a way to pass off responsibility for your loved one by dumping him/her in some god-forsaken place to die alone and unloved. Keep repeating this comforting phrase to yourself until you start to believe it.

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