Choosing A Rest Home For Your Loved One

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Vol 34 Issue 08

Dennis Miller Deeply Concerned About Long-Distance Service

Comedian Dennis Miller momentarily turned serious Monday to address the critical issue of long-distance service. "When the people at 10-10-220 brought to my attention the savings Americans are losing with every call they make using other carriers, I knew something had to be done," Miller said. "I could not stand by in good conscience while millions of innocent people went uninformed about which long-distance service offers the best rates." Added Miller: "The madness must end. All calls up to 20 minutes are just 99 cents."

Touring Company Of Cats Prepares For Yet Another Day In The Goddamn Catsuits

ST. LOUIS–Members of the national touring company of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats steeled themselves Monday for yet another day in the goddamn catsuits. "One of these days, my agent is going to land me a TV or movie role and get me out of this living nightmare," said Jonathan Belinsky, gluing whiskers onto his face and wriggling into a fur-covered bodysuit for his role as Mr. Mistoffolees. "I can't take much more of this." Stephanie Watrous, who has played Jennyanydots for eight agonizing years, said, "Each day, I pray for sweet release from the hideous quasi-feline mockery that my life has become. Where are we today? Spokane?" Six suicides have plagued the touring company in the past year, with three of them occurring during performances of the song "Memory."

Second Hour In Fabric Store Nearly Kills Eight-Year-Old

COVINGTON, KY–Local 8-year-old William Haney is listed in stable condition following Sunday's near-fatal two-hour excursion to Martha's Fabric Outlet on Route 23 near Cincinnati. Dragged to the store by his mother, 36-year-old Carolyn Haney, who was reportedly obsessed with finding the perfect fabric for new bathroom curtains, Haney wandered the aisles for more than an hour in search of anything of remote interest. "After making his 12th walking tour of the entire store, gazing listlessly upon bolt after identical bolt of fabric, William collapsed from what is commonly known as a massive boredom attack," said St. Joseph's Hospital spokesperson Andrew Peele. "He was literally seconds from death when his mother finally purchased three yards of a floral print and left the store." Emergency doses of comic books and candy were administered to Haney, upgrading his condition.

Expense-Account Wizard Transforms Prostitute Into Color Copies

CHICAGO–In a remarkable feat of expense-account wizardry, Chicago marketing executive Edgar Furness transformed a prostitute into 250 color copies Monday. Furness, who enjoyed a half-hour of sodomy with prostitute Chantel LaRue during a business trip to Dallas last week, magically turned the sexual encounter into a stack of colorful, easy-to-read pie charts created at Kinko's for a presentation to clients. Furness was reimbursed $58.93 for the tryst.

Impeach Clinton?

With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What do you think?
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Choosing A Rest Home For Your Loved One

Choosing the best nursing home possible for an elderly parent can be a difficult task. Here are some helpful tips to guide you through this very important decision:

Choosing A Rest Home

  • Be wary of nursing homes with stray dogs roaming the hallways, overturned garbage cans in the TV room, or placards reading, "Mercy Is For The Weak."
  • Don't expect your loved one to feel comfortable in his/her new home right off the bat. It takes a few weeks to get used to that overpowering urine stench.
  • Seeing a loved one die in a care facility can be a heartbreaking experience. Take your family shopping or to the movies instead.
  • When looking at a prospective rest home, ask yourself, "Would I want to waste away my last few years in a place like this?"
  • As a low-cost alternative to a nursing home, consider a local storage facility. Throw in a canteen of water and some Kit Kat bars once a week.
  • If you suspect a home is selling off residents as meat, be sure they cut you in for a share of the profits.
  • Feeling wanted can extend a person's life by years, increasing nursing-home costs. Make sure your loved one knows of your disdain and apathy toward them.
  • Before your loved one moves into his/her new room, make sure the nursing home has removed the body of the last resident.
  • To prevent bedsores, insist that your loved one be kept suspended from cables like in Coma.
  • Some of the newer nursing homes feature a drive-thru drop-off window for new patients.
  • Ask how your loved one likes his/her new home. But remember, in an infirmed state, "No! No! God, no!" often means, "I love it here."
  • Be sure to choose a nursing home where the residents are rolled over at least once a year.
  • A good nursing home provides diversions for residents. Ask to see the Price Is Right video library.
  • All the top rest homes serve delicious greenish-blue paste at mealtime. If you don't know whether the home you're considering offers it, ask.
  • Old people are often terrified of bats. Make sure the homes you're looking at are not major nesting sites.
  • You'll likely want to choose a home inconveniently located hundreds of miles away to minimize visits.
  • Remember: Rest homes are not merely a way to pass off responsibility for your loved one by dumping him/her in some god-forsaken place to die alone and unloved. Keep repeating this comforting phrase to yourself until you start to believe it.
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