Chris Berman Loudly Weighs In On Jason Collins Story

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Vol 49 Issue 18

Tuesday, May 14

Author and ecologist Michael Strandley will be at the Cameron Library on Tuesday discussing his lifelong work with bears and why he thinks they’re overrated.

No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening.
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Chris Berman Loudly Weighs In On Jason Collins Story

BRISTOL, CT—Following professional basketball player Jason Collins’ revelation that he is a homosexual, making him the first active player in a major American team sport to come out as gay, ESPN analyst Chris Berman reportedly loudly weighed in on the groundbreaking story Tuesday. “Ah!” screamed SportsCenter viewer David Nichols, putting his hands over his ruptured eardrums as Berman thunderously bellowed about Collins becoming the first openly gay NBA player. “What? Hello? Oh my God, I can’t hear my voice! I can’t hear my voice!” According to sources, Berman’s blaring rhetoric on Collins was the broadcaster’s most deafening since his 2009 discourse on whether Alex Rodriguez’s alleged steroid use would prevent him from entering the Hall of Fame blew out every single pane of glass on the Eastern Seaboard.

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