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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Chris Berman Loudly Weighs In On Jason Collins Story

BRISTOL, CT—Following professional basketball player Jason Collins’ revelation that he is a homosexual, making him the first active player in a major American team sport to come out as gay, ESPN analyst Chris Berman reportedly loudly weighed in on the groundbreaking story Tuesday. “Ah!” screamed SportsCenter viewer David Nichols, putting his hands over his ruptured eardrums as Berman thunderously bellowed about Collins becoming the first openly gay NBA player. “What? Hello? Oh my God, I can’t hear my voice! I can’t hear my voice!” According to sources, Berman’s blaring rhetoric on Collins was the broadcaster’s most deafening since his 2009 discourse on whether Alex Rodriguez’s alleged steroid use would prevent him from entering the Hall of Fame blew out every single pane of glass on the Eastern Seaboard.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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