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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Chris Bosh's Frightening Night Locked In A Hot Car

Police were called to a Miami-area nightclub late last night to respond to reports that Heat forward Chris Bosh was left alone in a hot car for hours while his teammates LeBron James and Dwyane Wade partied inside, without a thought to their highly-paid sidekick. Experts are now saying that the Heat are likely to lose custody of the vulnerable Bosh, an outcome made more likely by the duo's history of neglecting Bosh and their other teammates. Here are some of their most notorious incidents of neglect:

  • Center Zydrunas Ilgauskas gets tangled up in a camera cord during a game against the Bulls and nearly strangles himself because no one was watching him.
  • Sharpshooter Mike Miller misses 30 games when Wade forgets he promised to drive Miller to the stadium and Miller gets lost on a city bus.
  • Bosh almost drowns in a closed hotel pool one night after midnight when James and Wade go out without him and Bosh climbs out onto his balcony.
  • The fire department has to be called when Mario Chalmers climbs out onto the rafters in the American Airlines Arena for attention but is too scared to climb back down.
  • Left to his own devices during a six-game homestand, Udonis Haslem eats nothing but soda and candy and has to be taken to the hospital and have his stomach pumped.
  • After James and Wade tell Bosh to "quit bugging us and look after yourself for a change," Bosh goes two weeks without bathing because he "doesn't know how."

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