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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Chris Brown's Agent Suggests Suicide Could Be Great Career Move

LOS ANGELES—Citing the positive impact it would likely have on the R&B star’s image, SavMedia publicist Erica Sandoval reportedly suggested to Chris Brown today that taking his own life could be a “really smart move” at this point in his career. “Just think about it: you’d double your base and you’d instantly make a lot of people very, very happy,” said Sandoval of her inspired plan for Brown to promptly shoot, poison, or hang himself to restore a modest piece of the public’s goodwill and boost record sales. “It’s a bold move, sure, but I think it would really get people on your side. You would be so much more appealing. Besides, it’s always a good idea to give the people what they want.” Sources confirmed that Sandoval ended the meeting by offering to help out in any way she could, either by pulling the trigger herself or by setting up a pay-per-view livestream feed of the suicide.

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