adBlockCheck

Chris Brown's Agent Suggests Suicide Could Be Great Career Move

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Chris Brown's Agent Suggests Suicide Could Be Great Career Move

LOS ANGELES—Citing the positive impact it would likely have on the R&B star’s image, SavMedia publicist Erica Sandoval reportedly suggested to Chris Brown today that taking his own life could be a “really smart move” at this point in his career. “Just think about it: you’d double your base and you’d instantly make a lot of people very, very happy,” said Sandoval of her inspired plan for Brown to promptly shoot, poison, or hang himself to restore a modest piece of the public’s goodwill and boost record sales. “It’s a bold move, sure, but I think it would really get people on your side. You would be so much more appealing. Besides, it’s always a good idea to give the people what they want.” Sources confirmed that Sandoval ended the meeting by offering to help out in any way she could, either by pulling the trigger herself or by setting up a pay-per-view livestream feed of the suicide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close