Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub. “Mayo, lettuce, Bruce Springsteen, a few of those spicy peppers right on top—oh man,” Christie was overheard murmuring to himself alone at his desk, his eyes closed as he tantalized his taste buds with visions of the 6-foot-long toasted sandwich piled high with the Boss and provolone cheese. “Mmmmmmm.” At press time, sources confirmed Christie had decided to sprinkle some Little Steven on top as well.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close