adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Chris Kluwe Pens Impassioned Editorial On Challenges Facing Cut NFL Punters

MINNEAPOLIS—Following his release from the Minnesota Vikings earlier this week, punter Chris Kluwe reportedly responded Tuesday by composing a fiery editorial in which he laid out the numerous challenges facing cut NFL punters. “Speaking as a punter who has recently been released by the Vikings, I can tell you that discrimination against our kind is alive and well in this fickle league, and we need to put a stop to it right fucking now,” an article written by Kluwe read in part, noting that such rejected special teams personnel routinely face discrimination from football organizations that won’t allow them into the locker room, don’t invite them to practices, and refuse to sign them to contract extensions. “Why should a cut punter be treated any differently than those players who are actually employed by a football team? Just because these athletes have been told that their services are no longer needed doesn’t make them any less valuable to the squad than a starting QB. They—and I—deserve a shot at greatness.” At press time, members of the Vikings roster confirmed that they felt terrible about never meeting Chris Kluwe before he was cut.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close