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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Chris Kluwe Pens Impassioned Editorial On Challenges Facing Cut NFL Punters

MINNEAPOLIS—Following his release from the Minnesota Vikings earlier this week, punter Chris Kluwe reportedly responded Tuesday by composing a fiery editorial in which he laid out the numerous challenges facing cut NFL punters. “Speaking as a punter who has recently been released by the Vikings, I can tell you that discrimination against our kind is alive and well in this fickle league, and we need to put a stop to it right fucking now,” an article written by Kluwe read in part, noting that such rejected special teams personnel routinely face discrimination from football organizations that won’t allow them into the locker room, don’t invite them to practices, and refuse to sign them to contract extensions. “Why should a cut punter be treated any differently than those players who are actually employed by a football team? Just because these athletes have been told that their services are no longer needed doesn’t make them any less valuable to the squad than a starting QB. They—and I—deserve a shot at greatness.” At press time, members of the Vikings roster confirmed that they felt terrible about never meeting Chris Kluwe before he was cut.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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