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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Chris Paul Encourages Local Youths To Stay Out Of Foul Trouble

LOS ANGELES—Telling them that a first-quarter illegal use of hands is something that will stick with them for the rest of their game, Los Angeles Clippers point guard Chris Paul reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon encouraging an assembly of students at Waterloo Elementary School to stay out of foul trouble. “I used to get in foul trouble a lot as a kid, and I don’t want to see that happen to you guys,” said the seven-time All-Star, adding that the fourth- and fifth-graders need to consider the consequences before attempting to take a charge when they already have three fouls on the books or senselessly risking a reach-in while trying to steal the ball. “You need to play with discipline on defense, and try not to hang around places like the low block. Most importantly, don’t ever be afraid to sub out. There’s no shame in asking for a sub.” According to sources, Paul also told the children to call a timeout and speak to their coach if a full-court press is ever making them feel trapped.

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