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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Chris Paul Encourages Local Youths To Stay Out Of Foul Trouble

LOS ANGELES—Telling them that a first-quarter illegal use of hands is something that will stick with them for the rest of their game, Los Angeles Clippers point guard Chris Paul reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon encouraging an assembly of students at Waterloo Elementary School to stay out of foul trouble. “I used to get in foul trouble a lot as a kid, and I don’t want to see that happen to you guys,” said the seven-time All-Star, adding that the fourth- and fifth-graders need to consider the consequences before attempting to take a charge when they already have three fouls on the books or senselessly risking a reach-in while trying to steal the ball. “You need to play with discipline on defense, and try not to hang around places like the low block. Most importantly, don’t ever be afraid to sub out. There’s no shame in asking for a sub.” According to sources, Paul also told the children to call a timeout and speak to their coach if a full-court press is ever making them feel trapped.

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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

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