Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart

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Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

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CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

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ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

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RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

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SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

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UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...
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Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart

The Son of God says He is “not exactly thrilled” about bathing Moehr in His healing light.
The Son of God says He is “not exactly thrilled” about bathing Moehr in His healing light.

OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Our Holy Savior, reportedly entered the heart of Derek Moehr on Wednesday, reluctantly illuminating the local man with His divine grace.

Christ, who described Moehr as “kind of a deadbeat” and “not a particularly great husband or father,” said that He was hesitant to fill Moehr’s soul with the Word of God, but conceded that, as the Heavenly Redeemer of Mankind, He ultimately felt He had no choice but to allow His holy spirit to dwell inside the Wells Fargo employee.

“It usually brings me great joy to share my love and forgiveness with all God’s children, but when Derek sought the holy power of my redemption, I have to admit that I really wanted no part of it,” said Christ, explaining His unease over building a spiritual communion with a man He described as “all in all, pretty annoying.” “I would have been perfectly happy with never cleansing Derek of his sins and transgressions, but, unfortunately, when a believer reaches out to me with faith in their hearts, I kind of have to reach back, even if it’s Derek.”

“But I just want to make it clear this was not my idea,” the Messiah added. “The last thing I want is to be this guy’s personal savior.”

The Lamb of God, who admitted He was “not particularly thrilled” at having to deliver Moehr from suffering and bondage, said that He wavered before entering the suburban father’s heart, reportedly giving serious consideration to whether or not to allow him to continue languishing in darkness. However, after taking a moment to compose Himself, Christ said He took a deep breath, gritted His teeth, and allowed His divine love to wash over the Kansas City–area resident.

Christ further stated that He is hoping to avoid providing Moehr with daily spiritual nourishment and guidance, saying that He hoped instead to simply point the man in the right direction and “let him figure it out from there.”

“Right now, I’m only bathing Derek in a little bit of my healing light, and I’m reserving the rest of it for later until I see how things go,” the Son of Man said amid sighs. “I honestly can’t believe I have to walk alongside this guy for the rest of his days. Believe me, though, if he runs into adversity or temptation, there’s no way I’m carrying him or lifting the weight from his shoulders. That’s up to him.”

Additionally, the Light of the World told reporters that He was not looking forward to providing Moehr with an entire lifetime of serenity and peace, lamenting that there were billions of other people in the world who could have been reborn in His name instead.

“To be honest, before Derek confessed his sins, repented, and sought my grace in pious supplication, I was really looking forward to sitting on my throne and judging him,” said Christ, noting that if it were up to Him, Moehr would still be spiritually empty and adrift. “I definitely thought I’d be condemning him in a few decades and casting his soul into the lake of fire and brimstone. That was an idea that I was 100 percent behind.”

“I honestly never thought Derek of all people would actually commit his life to me,” the frustrated King of Kings added. “And frankly, I don’t see why this always has to be my responsibility.”

According to Christ, “if all goes well” He hopes to abide in Moehr’s heart just long enough to release the man of the sinful nature he was born with, at which point He expected take a more passive and hands-off role in which He only rarely reentered Moehr to renew his faith.

The Holy One, however, was reportedly dejected to learn that Moehr had been eagerly discussing his newfound devotion to Christ to his friends and family, pledging to them that this was “only the start of a long, intimate journey with the Lord by [his] side.”

“Touching someone’s life is one thing, but then having to reveal myself to them daily as the Living Savior, serve as their personal shepherd, and perpetually lead them on the path of righteousness—that’s really a lot to ask, especially if it’s some smug, stuck-up guy like Derek,” Christ said. “Frankly, I can’t wait until God sends a great tribulation to test his faith. With any luck, his conviction will break and I can just get the hell out of there.”

At press time, the Son of God reportedly sighed and resigned Himself to the likelihood that He would have to welcome Moehr into His heavenly kingdom and spend eternal life in the obnoxious loser’s presence.