adBlockCheck

Christ Returns to NBA

Top Headlines

Recent News

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Christ Returns to NBA

After a two-year hiatus, Jesus Christ returned to the NBA last night, taking the court with his former team, the Atlanta Hawks. Christ, who quit the sport in May 1994 to focus on spreading His message of universal love and compassion, made His triumphant return last night against the Bulls, just in time for Easter Sunday.

Jesus Christ returned to action last night against the Chicago Bulls, chipping in 13 points and 4 assists, and wowing fans with his trademark "Ascension Dunk."

The return of Christ, who averaged 18.2 points and 7.3 assists per game during his 10-year NBA career, has excited success-hungry Hawks fans, who are calling Him the team's "Savior."

Said Atlanta resident and devout Christian Jeff Voorhees, "Jesus is Lord."

Christ's decision to return to the Hawks surprised insiders, considering that for years the Nazareth native had been crucified by the Atlanta press. Since He was drafted third overall out of Texas A&M in 1986, Christ has been labeled too passive and forgiving to ever lead the Hawks to the promised land. Christ, however, has now apparently decided to turn the other cheek.

"I forgive Atlanta Journal-Constitution sportswriter Stan Sheridan," Christ said. "He knows not what he writes."

The closest Christ came to signing with another team came in December, when He spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert with Detroit Pistons coach Doug Collins. After consulting His father, God, Christ turned down the Pistons' offer of 30 gold pieces.

"Get thee behind me, Coach Collins," Christ reportedly said.

Though some say the media led Christ to quit basketball, many contend He quit after being betrayed by teammate Kevin Willis during a 1994 Celtics-Hawks playoff game. With three seconds left and the Hawks trailing by one, Christ was wide open underneath the basket for an easy layup. Instead of passing to Christ, Willis took a wild shot from three-point range, missing the net completely. After the game, a visibly upset Christ stretched out His arms and said, "Kevin Willis, why hast thou forsaken me?"

Despite the controversies, Hawks teammates and personnel are excited to have Christ back.

Forward Stacey Augmon, just one of many Hawks players who claims to have a personal relationship with Christ, said, "He's taught me so much, like how to love your enemies as yourself, to pray for those who hurt you, and when to pass up the three in favor of a higher percentage shot."

Fans also eagerly await the return of Christ's "Ascension Dunk," a crowd favorite. In the patented move, Christ leaps His less-than-league-average 24-inch vertical, and miraculously ascends toward Heaven, floating in mid-air just long enough to stuff the ball. An accompanying angelic choir momentarily stuns His defenders as the ball comes crashing down on their heads. The move wowed audiences and judges at NBA All-Star Slam-N-Jam dunk competitions two years in a row.

A three-time NBA All-Star, Christ impressed team doctors during a brief, closed-door workout Friday, in which He displayed His still-sharp shooting skills, dribbling ability, and overwhelming love for all mankind.

Team doctors also noted that in contrast to most players who take layoffs, Christ's body fat is just three percent, even lower than when He was playing. Christ attributed the low figure to His recent food-free, 2,000-year out-of-body reign in His Father's Kingdom.

Meanwhile, the league made a special ruling regarding Christ's crown of thorns, deciding that He may wear the headpiece only so long as He does not unwittingly anoint a player with the forgiving power of His Holy Blood.

 Though Hawks fans seem certain Christ can help the team, some NBA experts question whether Jesus is the way.

"The healing power of His Holy Love may get the Hawks into the playoffs, but they can't ride that alone to the championship," NBA commentator Hubie Brown said. "What they really need is a solid power forward who can fill the lane, someone like Cliff Robinson."

Some analysts think that Christ's injuries, along with His added age, may slow Him down.

"Christ isn't going to be 32 forever, and, quite frankly, He hasn't been the same since the Romans drove holes into His hands and feet," NBA analyst and former coach Chuck Daly said. "A painful stigmata injury is difficult to overcome, and it may affect His shooting touch. Still, I'm pretty confident He can rise again."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close