adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Christian Bale Given Neutered Male Statuette Named Oscar

LOS ANGELES—After being recognized for his outstanding work in the film The Fighter, actor Christian Bale was awarded a gold-plated statuette of a nude, sword-wielding man with no genitals named Oscar. "It's such an honor," said Bale, holding a 13.5 inch featureless eunuch. "Thank you. Thank you so much." Many more of the faceless bald figurines of tiny little men were presented to various film technicians the night before.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close