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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Christian Bale Glad To Be Done With Most Humiliating Experience Of Professional Life

HOLLYWOOD—Calling the last decade the most embarrassing of his 20-year-long acting career, Dark Knight Rises star Christian Bale expressed relief today that his days of "dressing up in a rubber suit and pretending to be a comic book super hero" are finally over. "There wasn't a moment I went to work that I didn't feel completely idiotic affecting that ridiculous, gravelly voice or wearing that absurd black makeup under my eyes," Bale told reporters, adding that every time he looked at himself in a mirror while dressed as Batman he felt like a complete moron. "Here I am hanging from ropes, throwing around what are essentially children’s toys at 'bad guys,' and then to make matters worse, I have to say things like, 'I believe in Harvey Dent.' The whole thing was mortifying." When asked what the most fulfilling moment of his acting career was, Bale mentioned any time he had to do flying splits during the dance scenes in Newsies.

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